Sieg Heil to you too, Adnan

Look at the pose, is Tengku Adnan giving the Nazi salute?

For those who are too young to remember, 'Seig Heil' means 'Hail Victory', a sign that they will win in the GE13?

Royal boost for Pakatan

REMBAU: Pakatan Rakyat has received the backing of a Negeri Sembilan royalty, who believes that the curtain must fall on Umno and Barisan Nasional’s protracted reign.

Tunku Harmy Tunku Hannan, 57, cousin of current Yang DiPertuan Besar of Negeri Sembilan Tuanku Muhriz Tuanku Munawir, also vowed to campaign for opposition candidates in the coming general election.

“Enough is enough! Umno and BN have been in power too long. Corruption is getting out of control,” he told a ceramah here.

“When corruption is beyond control, crime will also increase. Umno also encourages the slandering culture and this is very dangerous. If we don’t change, then nobody else can change us,” he said, drawing thunderous applause from the village folks gathered.

Tunku Harmy was once the chairman of the economic advisory committee of the Narathiwat Islamic Council in Thailand from 1998 to 2000.

‘Anwar’s sacking was my turning point’

During his speech, the 57-year-old royalty also explained why he left Umno and decided to back the opposition, led by former deputy premier Anwar Ibrahim.

“I was once held various positions in Negeri Sembilan Umno at the branch and division levels including in the Seremban Umno Youth Economic Bureau in the 1980s.

“When there was a crisis in Umno in 1987, I supported the Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah and Musa Hitam faction (against then party president Dr Mahathir Mohamad),” he said.

However, Tunku Harmy said he decided to quit Umno when the party was dissolved and re-registered as Umno Baru by Mahathir.

During the 1990 general election, he had backed the Tengku Razaleigh-led Semangat 46 and later rejoined Umno when Semangat 46 was dissolved.

“The turning point was when Anwar was sacked as deputy prime minister and charged with sodomy in 1998. That was when I decided to support the opposition because I sympathised with Anwar and I hate slander,” he explained.

Tunku Harmy said that during the 1999, 2004 and 2008 general elections, he had supported the opposition but in a low-key manner.

“But this time I will campaign publicly and support Pakatan candidates,” he stressed.

Under the “Jom Ubah Demi Rakyat Negeri Sembilan” roadshow campaign, Tunku Harmy has teamed up with Seremban PKR deputy chief Dr Mohamad Rafie Abdul Malek, Port Dickson state assemblymen (PKR) M Ravi and Rembau PKR chief Badrul Hisham Shaharin.

Two more key members of the team are Sikamat state assemblyman Aminuddin Harun (PKR) and coordinator of Majlis Permuafakatan Keadilan Negeri Sembilan Norizam Ali Yassin.

They would be joined by Negeri Sembilan PAS state commissioner and Paroi state assemblyman Mohd Taufek Abdul Ghani and other state PAS and DAP leaders.

Meanwhile, Badrul said the roadshow would be held throughout the state and the final event would be on April 19 in Seremban.

“We want to focus on the real issues plaguing the people. We will expose all the scandals and mismanagement by the government during this campaign,” he added.

[Source: FMT]

What? Ballerinas wearing tutus is a No-No? Someone must be joking

Fearing a riotous backlash from Malaysia’s hyper-sensitive, albeit slightly blur, rakyat, the Malaysian Bureau of Riotous Eccentricities & Delusions (BORED) yesterday decided to ban tutus or any performances involving tutus anywhere in Malaysia.

Tutus, apparently, from now on, are deemed riotously indecent as it may cause a proclivity to immense sexual desires which in turn may result in an increase of illegal shagging, which, ultimately, will end in baby dumping, change of faith (especially among the Muslims) and an inexplicable — and highly undesirable — liking for Barry Manilow’s songs.

It remains hazy — as it always is in Malaysia around April every year — whether short skirts, tight hot pants, bikinis, swim suits, G-strings, kebaya Nyonya and tight kain batik as well as Aznil Nawawi are going to be deemed indecent anytime soon.

Speaking on the condition of absolute anonymity, a spokesperson for the Organisation of Malfunctioning Governmental Shit-Heads (OMGosh) — a new NGO established to defend riotous edicts by various governmental agencies — said yesterday that tutus are Christian Zionists’ propaganda tool which is insidiously aimed at the sub-conscious zone of every person, especially males of between 13 and 84 years of age. Tutus are thus malevolent agents of the Christian Jews who are hell bent on destroying the rakyat through sex, sex and sex.

Says the spokesperson (quoted verbatim):

“We iz very the worried at diz tootoo coz dey iz work below the otak and the rakyatz not realise wen dey see tootoo dey all become like zombie like dat, dey no realise dey being converted by diz jahat evil Kristian Zionis. We at OMGosh tink diz tootoo is same with der tattoo which last month dat Erika Badu wanted to use to brainwash the rakyats.”

OMGosh, according to the spokesperson, has a 42-minute video (in HD) to prove its allegation that the poor and very weak Malaysian rakyat are being cock-and-bull-washed by tutus. It is estimated that to date, 17,000 rakyat have been totally “turn-around upside down” by the tutus.

Meanwhile, another NGO, Centre for Complete Kookooness (COCK), today released the result of a recent survey involving about 300 males who watched the uncensored version of “Black Swan” in controlled environments, including their bedroom and toilets. The survey reveals a shocking five of them having a complete hard on during the full duration of the movie, even during the scene where Nina-the-ballerina-in-a-tutu was lying bleeding.

That proves that tutus are indecent, says the chairman of COCK.

The chairman further says that although he is definitely not racist or anti-Semitic, the fact that Natalie Portman, who plays the leading ballerina in that movie, is Jewish did not escape his attention. According to him:

“Dat ah, pruf ferder dat der tutu and der Juice are axiz of evil.”

As of the time of writing, it remains unclear — as is usual here — whether Datuk Nicol David will be allowed to play squash in Malaysia wearing a short skirt as she usually does in every other tournament around the globe. It also remains completely a mystery whether in the next SEA Games, Malaysian bodybuilders are going to have to perform in kain pelikat and oversized baju batik.

Meanwhile, in an unrelated, but most probably connected, news, the organisers of a public forum on “Christian Aqidah — are we threatened by Dong Zong?” today announce that they are seeking a clarification whether the tutu ban will affect Bishop Desmond Tutu’s visit to Malaysia next week. He is supposed to deliver a keynote address at the forum.

[Source: Art Harun]

Dataran Merdeka not gazetted for assembly?

The moment Nazri said that Dataran Merdeka has not been gazetted for assemblies, the response came in fast and furious.  Here are samples of some of the responses from readers of Malaysiakini.

Gerard Lourdesamy: Dataran Merdeka not gazetted? What rubbish? Stadiums not gazetted, public squares and parks not gazetted, roads not gazetted, then where to gather? On the moon?

This is the farce called the Peaceful Assembly Act 2011, a piece of crap legislation used by PM Najib Razak to hoodwink the people and foreign governments that he is open, liberal and a reformist.

If not Dataran Merdeka, the rakyat should gather outside the new huge Istana Negara in Jalan Duta and petition our beloved king.

We are fed up with the games that Umno-BN is playing using the Parliament and the Election Commission (EC) as their rubber stamp.

If they want to hold on to power forever, just abolish Parliament and elections and become a dictatorship.

KAI: Minister in the PM's Department Nazri Abdul Aziz said that "the venue cannot be used for a gathering, even a peaceful one."

Then why are people assembling there on National Day and also New Year's Eve?

Dr PM: I am surprised that Bersih 3.0 protesters cannot gather at Dataran Merdeka to express their views on free and fair elections. How then on every weekend people gather and have functions there?

Jalan Raja is closed at weekends by the police and City Hall to facilitate these functions. Traffic jams occur and people inconvenienced. Businesses are affected. Are these functions illegal?

If it is not, please explain how the Bersih rally to clean the country's electoral system is illegal. It appears there is a different set of laws for different people.

Metallic Black: Dataran Merdeka is built for multi-purpose use. It can be used for concerts, speeches, theme parties, exhibitions, sport events, public displays, family day events, and so on.

The Dataran belongs to all Malaysians, it was not built just for BN or Umno. As long as Bersih 3.0 events are held in an orderly and disciplined fashion, it should be okay.

Bersih should organise an event that include public concerts, debates, speeches and activities for all family members. Set up food and beverage stalls, cooking competitions, sport events and photography competitions.

I think 100,000 Malaysians will enjoy a nice afternoon on April 28. Bravo to the organisers.

SKT: I often see the authorities blocking Dataran Merdeka for marathon or tourism events, so how can 1Malaysia have 2Standards?

Fair Play: Nazri, you are not seeing the forest for the trees. Bersih 3.0 will go nationwide and selected locations internationally.

Have you asked yourself if BN acceded to Bersih 2.0 demands for a fair election, would there be any Bersih 3.0 to start with?

Disbeliever: The war has begun. The first salvo has been fired by Nazri, the clown minister. He has sent a clear message. He's telling in no uncertain terms that Bersih 3.0 cannot be held.

We have to push for reforms so that the coming GE will be held if not on a totally level-playing field, at least on a reasonably level field.

Pondering Why: Dataran Merdeka means Freedom Square. All Malaysians will gather at this square to ensure free and fair elections.

If Umno-BN and EC are committed to the same goals as Bersih, they should participate along with Bersih to demonstrate their commitment to live up to the aspirations of the people.

Otherwise the people will conclude that Umno-BN, with the cooperation of the EC, will unscrupulously cheat and manipulate the votes in order to win the forthcoming elections.

The Bersih 3.0 rally is fully justified and is should be held at Freedom Square to rid our beloved country from unbridled corruption, electoral manipulation and gross abuse of power by unscrupulous leaders.

Jeremy Ng: Our 'employees', i.e. the ruling politicians, are behaving as if they are bosses. It is time that all of them are terminated and replaced by a new team.

Malaysians, who are the real bosses, have tolerated these undisciplined and corrupted 'employees' for too long.

Bersih shows how a voter can be 'cloned'

I thought cloning could only happen to Molly the sheep or in the scifi movie "The 6th Day" which starred Arnold  Schwarzenegger and Robert Duvall.  Well, our Election Commission is in the 'cloning' business too.

In the run-up to the announcement of Bersih 3.0, steering committee member and political scientist Wong Chin Huat revealed more instances of “cloned” voters, which he alleged were phantom voters.

Using the 2011 fourth quarter electoral roll, Wong (left) explained four methods voters could be registered multiple times, so that they could cast votes several times.

“You can find that we have achieved so much in cloning technologies that we would beat the Koreans and all others in the world,” the Monash University lecturer sarcastically remarked.

The four methods are:

• Voters having the same old Identity Card (IC) number and address, but different new IC numbers;

• Voters having the same name, but slightly different new IC numbers;

• Same name, with slightly different dates of birth, and new IC numbers; and

• Postal voters with the same name but slightly different IC numbers.

Wong gave 10 examples of possible “cloned” voters and said there were at least 560 instances of “clones” of the first type.

However, he said, he did not know how many “clones” there were in the other three categories, pointing out that the research he had done was “just the tip of the iceberg”.

In one example of voters having the same old IC number and same address, he showed the capture of a screenshot from the Election Commission’s (EC) electoral roll verification website 

It shows one Suodah Salleh and Teh Boon Keat having the same old IC number and the same address in Subang Jaya, Selangor (as seen above).

Wong also showed four instances of voters having the same name but different IC numbers, including two persons named Mok Sow Ying. Their ICs indicated that they have the same birth date, but their IC numbers differed in two digits, while the other details were also different.

One Mok is registered to vote in Petaling Jaya Utara, Selangor, and the other is in Pandan, Selangor.

“Can someone tell me how much coincidence you need for two persons to be born on the same day, with the same name, but the IC numbers are different by 400?” Wong asked, referring to the third last digit of the two ICs numbers that was different.

In the third type, he showed two screenshots of two persons named Liew Siew Lee who had different years of birth, but the rest of the IC numbers were the same, and the other details such as voting places were different.

In the last method, Wong showed examples of  two soldiers with the same name, Azhar bin Ahmad (above), but with their military identity card numbers differing only in the last digit, by one. They were assigned to different army camps – one in Bandar Tun Razak, and the other in Wangsa Maju.

“We need to know if this is not fraud, someone should step forward and show us the registration forms,” he said.

After Wong’s presentation, UCSI University lecturer and political scientist Ong Kian Ming presented some of the preliminary findings of his Malaysian Electoral Roll Analysis Project, which showed additional discrepancies in postal voters.

Ong (left) said there were more than 200,000 postal voters distributed in a “selected number” of constituencies, some of which are considered “marginal seats” where the election results could swing either way.

He listed five problems affecting postal voters, with these examples:

• Postal voters registered with regular ICs in addition to their military identity cards;

• Spouses of police officers who are registered as postal voters, even though only spouses of military personnel are eligible;

• Spouses of military and police voters of the same gender;

• Military and police voters above the retirement age, including one Wan Rasidy Roni who is 112 years old; and

• New military and police voters above the recruitment age.

“I’m not saying that all the flaws I’m showing are necessarily phantom voters, but I think they are serious enough for the EC, as well as the National Registration Department, to explain these very serious discrepancies,” Ong said.

He also pointed out that the parliamentary select committee (PSC) on Electoral Reform had looked for duplicate entries of new IC numbers, but not old IC numbers and not among postal voters.

Bersih 2.0 steering committee co-chairperson Ambiga Sreenevasan said that the academicians were invited to speak to reveal the problems in the electoral roll.

“We wanted to establish that one of the main reasons Bersih 3.0 is happening is that while the PSC was busily working on its report, the fraud was going on,” she said, expressing disappointment that the PSC had not adequately addressed the issue of electoral fraud.

[Source: Mkini]

It's on - April 28 at 2 pm, Dataran Merdeka

The Bersih 2.0 committee announced this morning that its next rally will be held at 2pm on April 28, at Dataran Merdeka in Kuala Lumpur.

The theme of the rally, dubbed Bersih 3.0, is Duduk Bantah (sit-down protest), joint chairperson A Samad Said told a press conference.

Simultaneous protests are expected to be held in several places nationwide and other parts of the world, keeping up the coalition's pressure for clean and fair elections.

Ambiga Sreenevasan said the focus of Bersih 3.0 would be on three key demands:

- The EC must resign.

- The electoral process must be cleaned up before the next general election.

- International observers should be allowed to monitor the polls.

Ambiga also said that Himpunan Hijau will hold its 3.0 rally alongside Bersih 3.0. 

The committee had yesterday said that the report of the parliamentary select committee (PSC) on electoral reform had failedin key areas.

The coalition of NGOs had previously warned that another rally would be held if its demands were not met as a result of the PSC process.

The PSC was formed after Bersih 2.0 led a rally of about 15,000 people in Kuala Lumpur on July 9 last year to back eight demands for electoral reform.

The first Bersih rally had been held in 2007 with an estimated40,000 people walking to the Istana Negara gates to submit a memorandum to the Agong

Bersih 3.0 will happen this month, say sources

Bersih is expected to announce the date of its third rally for free and fair elections tomorrow, which sources within the election watchdog group say may take place at the end of the month.

A Bersih steering committee member, who did not wish be named, told The Malaysian Insider that details of “Bersih 3.0” will be revealed at a press conference at the Kuala Lumpur and Selangor Chinese Assembly Hall (KLSCAH) here.

File photo of police using water cannons to disperse participants of the Bersih rally in July last year near Puduraya in Kuala Lumpur. — Picture by Choo Choy May

The member would not divulge further information but Internet reports have already marked April 28 as the likely date for the coming rally, and Dataran Merdeka as the chosen venue.

Another Bersih source would neither confirm nor deny the rumours, but admitted yesterday the group has plans in the pipeline to push for greater electoral reforms.

This, said the source, comes on the back of the government-mooted Parliamentary Select Committee’s (PSC) alleged failure to resolve key issues and pander to Bersih’s earlier demands ahead of the coming polls.

The source said more damning evidence of electoral fraud have also been uncovered, leading to the belief that the PSC could have merely been a whitewash by the Najib administration to appear sincere in its pledge for reforms.

“We have found more evidence of electoral fraud and this leads to the question on whether the entire PSC itself was just a cover-up.

“On the walk (rally), you can say I am neither confirming (the date) nor denying,

“But I can say for certain that the evidence of fraud is very, very outrageous,” said the source.

The bipartisan nine-member PSC was mooted by Datuk Seri Najib Razak last year, months after his administration earned widespread criticisms over its handling of Bersih’s second rally for free and fair elections on July 9.

After six months of meetings, discussions and a fact-finding mission abroad, the panel prepared a 22-point final report and distributed it to federal lawmakers in Parliament yesterday.

Debate on the report is scheduled for 11.30am today but already, Pakatan Rakyat (PR) lawmakers have expressed disappointment in the panel’s findings and reform recommendations.

Among others, the three PR members in the PSC have, since last week, been complaining that the panel had failed to address fundamental issues to ensure a clean and fair election process, particularly the Election Commission’s (EC) alleged lack of commitment to clean the electoral roll.

The EC, PR members have repeatedly pointed out, had recently admitted to the existence of 42,000 questionable voters in the roll but had not moved to address the problem.

Additionally, they noted that the commission had also failed to moot a workable method to allow overseas voting for all Malaysians, despite being urged to do so in the PSC’s interim report released last December.

Bersih chairman Datuk S. Ambiga had on March 18 warned Putrajaya of a potential “Bersih 3.0” rally, pointing to lagging polls reforms and reports of a sudden surge of voters in some parliamentary constituencies.

“Looking at the way things are going now, we may have no choice. Do not rule out Bersih 3.0,” Ambiga had told The Malaysian Insider.

“If the government is not serious about electoral reform the public will have to make itself heard,” she said.

PR leaders subsequently declared their support for the rally should the government fail to fulfil its pledges for meaningful electoral reforms before polls are called.

Thousands of Malaysians took to the streets on July 9 to join Bersih 2.0’s rally for free and fair elections but the protest turned ugly at midday when riot police launched tear gas canisters and water cannons to disperse participants.

The widespread clampdown, which saw more than 1,000 people arrested even before the rally, earned the Najib administration a whiplashing in the international media.

Under pressure, the government had then promised a slew of reform measures, which included the formation of the PSC and the enactment of the highly-criticised Peaceful Assembly Act last year.

[Source: The MI]

Arise, ye women of the world

First, we have

Yingluck Shinawatra, the Prime Minister of Thailand

Now we have

Aung San Suu Kyi, the new leader of Myammar

And soon, we will have...

Nurul Izzah Anwar, the new hope of Malaysia

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS:
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

[Repeat CHORUS]

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

[Repeat CHORUS]
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Look who is talking

This is Dato Salleh Mat Rasid, Internal Security and Public Order Director, who on March 23 2012, said that online social network sites such as FaceBook and Twitter are a threat to national security.  See news report here. The irony is that he is also a FaceBook 'kaki' himself. So for someone who is supposed to safeguard the nation's security is himself a threat? Hmmmm.

You can view Dato Salleh's FaceBook page here.

Nurul buoyed by Suu Kyi's triumph in Burma

Lembah Pantai MP Nurul Izzah Anwar took delight in the triumph of Burmese democracy icon Aung San Suu Kyi in elections yesterday while recalling a favour done her by that country's human rights campaigners 12 years ago.

While stumping before a keen crowd of her constituents in the upscale Bangsar district last night, Nurul referenced Suu Kyi's struggles to bring political reform to Burma.

She did so in response to questions from the audience, who after listening to their parliamentarian on current affairs had asked the young mother of two how long it would take for Malaysia to make the transition to a full-fledged democracy.

The 32-year-old Nurul's reply: "We have to strive for as long as it takes."

Nurul referred to Suu Kyi's decades-long struggle to bring political reform to her country, a travail-strewn path that saw this daughter of Burmese independence fighter, Aung San, spend long periods under house arrest.

"We have to keep striving ... it would help to have a sense of humour," quipped Nurul, in the course of describing the Sisyphean nature of the labour required in bringing political reform to Malaysia.

This was where the results coming in late yesterday in Burma's by-elections, especially reports of Suu Kyi's success in winning a seat in parliament, provided Nurul with grist for her optimism about the future.

Yesterday's elections in Burma signalled the isolated regime's desire to begin the transition from military despotism to democracy.

Gratitude to NGO Altsean Burma

Nurul paid tribute to the generosity and fortitude of the democracy movement in Burma, one NGO of which, Altsean Burma, had advised her closely on how to present her case in hearings before the United Nations Human Rights Commission in Geneva in 2000.

That year Malaysian NGO Aliran was slotted to make their deposition in the annual sitting of the commission that hears human rights cases from all over the world.

Aliran allowed Nurul, who at that time was travelling the world to highlight her jailed father's plight as a political prisoner, to take their place instead, in making a seven-minute deposition before UN Human Rights Commissioner Mary Robinson.

"The only Malaysian NGO recognised by the UN Human Rights Commission at that time was Aliran. Such recognition was a pre-condition for the submission of a deposition," said Nurul.

However, Altsean Burma whose representative Debbie Stothard, a Malaysian based in Bangkok, sympathised with the then-teenaged Nurul's peripatetic exertions on behalf of her incarcerated father, Anwar Ibrahim.

Stothard steered Nurul through the rigours of preparation of her deposition before a panel headed by Robinson.

Later, recalling details of her deposition before the UN body 12 years ago, Nurul told Malaysiakini that democracy's decades-old efflorescence in Asean was unstoppable.

[Source: Mkini]

Monday Humour

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*******************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

***********************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman on a flight to Ireland asked the priest who sat in the seat 
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's 
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid 
they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through 
Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' 

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you 
have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which 
is, to date, unused.' 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A POLITE WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The
Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
I'll marry them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DEAF ITALIAN BOOK-KEEPER

*A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.* *The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies,* *"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." * *Don't you just love lawyers?*