AN UMNO BARU'S DILEMMA?

How is UMNO Baru going to extricate itself from the 'Allah' crisis is anybody's guess. After all they started it, they should be ones to be able to bring the issue to an end. But then, maybe it will still linger on for a long while yet for two apparent reasons. First, if they agree with what international Islamic scholars have said about the word 'Allah', they would lose credibility and the Malay people would be left in a state of flux. So this is out. They need to 'milk' the issue for as long as it takes, because they want Selangor back into their fold. It doesn't matter whether the Christians and Sikhs feelings are trampled upon so long as it helps to achieve their goal.

Since there is a paranoia (manufactured by UMNO Baru) amongst the Malay community that the Christians would proselytise to them, here are a couple of suggestions for UMNO Baru and perhaps the community itself to think about, and to a greater extent, allay their fear.

1. To begin with, make English the main stream of our education system again. With the inadequacy of the BM language, there is very little opportunity for the Christians to speak fluently or eloquently to convert the Malays. It is really amazing that there have been so much accusations hurled against the Christians in this respect, but yet until today, not a single shred of evidence have been brought forward or culprits being charged. To reinforce their accusations, Hasan Ali of JATI said he knew the pastor, even by name, who had been converting Muslims to become Christians. The question is, why was there no police report made and why were there no arrests made?

2. The East Malaysians are not going to stand down, so this will become a thorn on UMNO Baru's side, just like Singapore in the 60s, when Lee Kuan Yew continued to drum home policies that will provide equal opportunity to all Malaysians. If this is the case, UMNO Baru can easily ask Sarawak and Sabah to leave the federation. If they can do it to Singapore in 1965, there are no reasons why they can't do it now. By doing so, we can live happily ever after.

3. Make it an offence for a non-Malays to speak in BM to a Malay, and that all Malay newspapers, books, magazines, etc are to be stamped "Not to be read by Non-Malays" as otherwise the non-Malays would improve their communication skill in BM and thus will be able to proselytise to the Muslims. Anyone found breaching such policies will be jailed or fined or both.

4. All written communication to government departments or agencies must be in English.  BM is prohibited for fear of Christians stealthily using the language to proselytise to the unwary Muslim readers.

In their earnest desire to show how Islamic they are, UMNO Baru has added more words to bar non-Muslims from using them. It gives you the impression that either the Holy Bible contains all these words or non-Malays have a copy of the Holy Quran in their homes, and may for some devious reasons, use them to convert the Muslims. Such logic is really astounding to say the least.

Ironically, one of the words banned by UMNO Baru is 'Injil'. Now one of the main churches in Sarawak is known as Sidang Injil Borneo (SIB), a church where Idris Jala belongs to. So is the church going to be made to change its name or will UMNO Baru say this is a different issue entirely. Fortunately, the Roman Catholic Church is not facing such a dilemma as otherwise it will look utterly ridiculous for the church to change its identity after having been in existence for the last 2,000 years.

Written with a tongue in the cheek, but it could be a workable solution.

What the kang kung?

What the kangkung! At first, when my friends told me, I thought wah so good our PM got mentioned in BBC just because he talked about kangkung. BBC you know. Not kangkung Bangsar Boys Club, but British Broadcasting Corporation. Kangkung global, man! Don’t play play. Now more British people know the name Najib. We can feel kangkung proud of him. He put Malaysia on the world map.

But now I try to call up the BBC report on my computer, I kangkung cannot! I checked with my friends and they told me it’s been kangkung blocked! Only my friends with smartphones can read it because it’s not blocked there. Why is it kangkung blocked for computer users? Who is the motherkangkunger who ordered the block?

My friends told me it’s because those motherkangkungers don’t want Malaysians to see the report. Because it doesn’t make Najib look good. The report says many people have been making fun of Najib for what he said. So? What’s kangkung wrong with that? He can’t take a bit of kangkung fun meh?

You know, at first I thought it was good he said kangkung is now cheaper. True, right? The newspaper also reported the kangkung price is now 50 per cent less. Normally, I don’t trust the newspaper, but if the PM also said the same, it must be kangkung true. Right?

Some more ah, I thought it was good he said something. At least he opened his kangkung mouth. Because lately he is becoming a man of kangkung few words. Like kangkung Clint Eastwood. He never said anything about so many urgent issues, when everyone was hoping he would. Like the kangkung ‘Allah’ issue. Everybody hoo-ing and ha-ing about it, and people protesting outside the Gombak church some more, but he – he was quiet as a mosque mouse.

So to hear him say kangkung is now cheaper made some people feel good. Wah, the PM can talk now, they thought, he’s found his kangkung voice. He also took time off his kangkung busy schedule to check the price and tell us. Where to find such a kangkung caring PM?

Ah, but he also said we should praise the Government when prices come down because every time prices go up, we blame the Government. Yes ah? You know, I actually found that part stupid. I’ll tell you why. Because firstly, the Government made petrol, sugar and electricity more kangkung expensive. And because of that, everything else is also getting more kangkung expensive. Kopi-O is more expensive, and even chup fun. I go to the market and fish, meat, veggies are all more kangkung expensive.

So how not to blame the kangkung Government for that? Who kangkung started it all? Got snowball effect one mah. Petrol, sugar, electricity up, sure other things also go up.

And now just because kangkung is cheaper, we must praise the kangkung Government? We must be happy lah? And every day we eat only kangkung lah? Then we can save money? Why did he talk only about kangkung and forget about the other things that went up? Aiyo! And some more ask for praise! It’s kangkung cheapskate, I tell you. Something must be kangkung wrong with the kangkung PM.

So that’s why lah, my friends told me Najib kena sindir betul-betul for talking about kangkung. Social media hentam him. Twitter. Facebook. One page on FB got more than 18,000 followers already! All just about Najib and his kangkung. People also changed the lyrics of popular songs and folk songs. Remember the popular ‘Lenggang Kangkung’? They did a remix of that and put it up as a video. Best is the ‘Kangkung Remix’ video where they take what Najib said and made it sound like he’s rapping. So kangkung clever.

But now I try to watch those two videos on YouTube, cannot! Click on them, nothing! Blocked. Like the BBC report. It’s too kangkung much. Let’s kangkung the motherkangkungers who blocked all these things! Let’s kangkung them kau-kau!

Did Najib ask them to do it? What do you think? Everybody suspects yes. If he did it, why is he so kangkung paranoid? It’s all for fun only mah. Cannot make fun of the PM one meh? It’s good what. We can lepas geram instead of protest in the streets. Better for him, right?

Now after the blocking, who can believe the kangkung Government’s promise not to censor the Internet? Kangkung bullshit! Like this ah Najib’s transformation? Kangkung talk only laa! Like this ah he said he wants to give Malaysia “the best democracy”? Is this democracy or kangkung dictatorship?

You notice or not it’s all becoming more and more control? That paper The Heat exposed Najib’s big-time spending – his wife’s also – and znahp, kena suspended. Cannot question his kangkung spending meh? Our money what. Cannot criticise ah? Cannot criticise his kangkung wife also ah? What are they kangkung afraid of? Got do no wrong, nothing to fear one. Right?

People say by blocking the BBC report and the YouTube videos, he has dug his own grave. And he’s also making a kangkung fool of himself. Already, outside the country, they were laughing at him for his kangkung remark. Now they’ll laugh even kangkung more. Padan muka lah.

But what the kangkung hell, I still can’t get to see that BBC report! I don’t have a smartphone! My friend just told me MCMC said they did not do the kangkung blocking, but I don’t care, some motherkangkunger did it and I’m kangkung mad about it! Unblock all those things now or I’ll … I’ll … I’ll cut off someone’s kangkung!

[Written by Kee Thuan Chye is the author of the book The Elections Bullshit].

Kind of relate to recent events, doesn't it?