BERSIH 3.0 : The Storm Gathers

It has already started last night.



Earlier yesterday evening at the Jalan TAR - Jalan Tun Perak intersection, a crowd gathers as the Dataran is blockaded by the City Council with barriers and barbed-wire and cordoned off by police. 

The crowd which started with a few hundred, grew to an estimated 2,000 by 12.30 am.

While the crowd grew in number, a smaller group of the Occupy Dataran movement which had been encamped since April 14th at the Dataran were told to leave the square where they had gathered for their nightly programmes. They moved towards the crowd, banners fluttering much to the delight of the gathering crowd.

This is dedicated to those attending the BERSIH 3.0 rally at Dataran Merdeka

BERSIH 3.0 Meeting Points

A prayer for all taking part in Bersih 3.0

The clock is ticking away hauntingly for those who are detached from, hostile towards or indifferent about this hour of reckoning for Bersih 3.0 on April 28, 2012.

But there is no time or grace to waste on such people who are blind, deaf and without feelings of and for humanity's struggles to realise civilisation.

So here is a prayer for all of us who will be there united together here in Malaysia and all over the planet Earth for the betterment of Malaysia for all Malaysians:

As we track the days, hours, minutes and finally the seconds of our watch for April 28, 2012, may the heavens open up and let the rays of hope, aspiration and unity ignite our hearts.

As we walk together - north, south, east and west of this country that we call home, may the heavens raise our souls to uphold the brotherhood that we all share as part of this planet's humanity.

May our spirits not waver; may our bones not ache; may our blood not spill - for this march to sit-in and protest springs not from hatred but peace; was sowed not with divisiveness but nurtured with oneness.

Indeed as brothers and sisters of one land we have wept for far too long with hope that there will be mercy from those who stood in our ways as we pleaded for justice and fairness.

Indeed as brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends and relatives, uncles and aunts, we raised our pleas through so many channels and in so many ways and in so many times that demonstrated our peaceful ways, our tolerant spirits, our hopeful prayers.

But all was in vain.

And so, we march to sit-in and protest and ask the planet on which we occupy to send a resounding vibration to the four corners of our nation relaying our silent yet loud, peaceful yet firm, tolerant yet resolute determination to correct all that has been wronged for the past half a century in this blessed and fortunate country.

Let the heavens bless our endeavours; let the sky be the only canopy that can crown our success - for we see in this determined solidarity no jewels to be flashed; no haughty power to be grabbed; no absolute control to be harnessed.

Our quest is for all Malaysians, king and subjects. Our agenda is for all humanity. Our commitment is justice, fairness and solidarity without discrimination.

We are coming together because of national duty. We are in it together because of we have a duty to uphold our revered constitution. We will stand united because we love our King, our land and our brothers and sisters we call Malaysians.

And as we sing the ‘Negara-Ku', the deceitful, the self-glorified, the selfish, the mean, the thieving, the failures of humanity - all of them must shudder, shiver and dismantle.

Viva Malaysians. Let us show the world that peace, justice, fairness, democracy and civil liberties rightfully belong to humanity and no man (or woman) has the power and mandate to manipulate and abuse that right.

There is no democracy if it is 'managed' to serve only some hidden interests; there is no civil liberties if it is controlled and manipulated to preferred agendas of tyrants and regimes.

And we will for the Book of Records light that torch of democratic rights and strike open that spring of civil liberties merely by humbly marching peacefully and culminating in a sit-in protest for the world to witness.

May peace, safety, relief and joy be our only reward. For Malaysia is being born anew for all Malaysians. This moment of truth is ours for all Malaysians; is one for all future Malaysians. It is a defining reality for the world to emulate, making this planet a better place for all.

Let history be our witness. Let the heavens be our companion. Let the earth we stand on be our support. Let all Malaysians be for all Malaysians.

For justice must win; civil liberties must be rightfully reinstated; democracy re-ignited; peace and prosperity returned to society where it rightfully belongs.

God bless our day.

Bersih and the rakyat, come what may

One is entitled to accuse those who are determined to take to the streets tomorrow of being obstinate troublemakers or even ‘fanatics’, but the crux of the issue is: is Dataran Merdeka so sacred that any unauthorised use of is tantamount to sacrilege?

I have seen Mat Rempit play with their precious lives there umpteen times, and the police were nowhere to be seen even though these unruly youths pose a far greater threat to the public. So what is holding Dewan Bandaraya KL back from giving the green light to the Bersih 3.0 sit-in protest?

Someone must be trying to pull the government’s leg. But if the Najib Abdul Razak administration is truly serious about serving the people and gaining their trust, it must stop dithering over a simple event.

From Wong Chun Wai of The Star to Tay Tian Yan of Sin Chew Dailyto the now largely irrelevant Chew Mei Fun (Chew who?), much praise has been heaped on the prime minister as a man of principle and high calibre. But when Najib cannot even rein in a little Napoleon called Ahmad Fuad Ismail, it only shows that his promises on electoral reform and ‘best democracy’ are nothing but hyperbolic and farcical.

Will any of these ‘media professionals’ and political has-beens now dare to tell Najib he must not place himself at the mercy of some recalcitrant bureaucrat, who does not even have a popular mandate to sit in his mayoral office in the first place?

Najib’s apprenticeship has entered its fourth year, and he has broken a Malaysian record by becoming the longest-serving provisional prime minister in the country.

Hussein Onn (right) went to the country two-and-a-half years after he took over the administration, while Mahathir Mohamad called a general election within one year of succeeding his predecessor, although his Bersih, Cekap dan Amanah campaign will forever remind him and the Malaysian people of his utter failure as a visionary-wannabe.

Even Abdullah Ahmad Badawi - who is not a leader with a backbone made of steel - did not hesitate to ask for a fresh mandate: he dissolved Parliament barely four months into his premiership, and won rather handsomely on a post-Mahathir positive sentiment.

Given the disastrous results in the last election, Najib naturally would want to procrastinate as much as possible to give himself more time to strategise and, more to the point, to pacify the various factions within Umno by dishing out more goodies. But he should at least see it right to allow the sit-in protest to happen. The fact that he has not been able to do so only proves that he is a mediocre PM who can only ensure victory by all means - be they foul or fair.

Split down the middle

The country is split down the middle now. While the calls for greater democratisation are growing louder by the day, there still remains a sizeable number of Malaysians who remain sceptical and wary of street protest. They may be those who are afraid of chaos, although the past has made it crystal clear that mayhem was almost always the result of an excessive police crackdown and a paranoid government.

Then there are people who are used to all the privileges that they have been enjoying for decades - whether it is the bumiputra status that comes with economic security or the readily available largesse by virtue of being ‘the right crony’ - and hence refuse to change.

For this group of people, their resistance to peaceful street protest originates more from a deep-down fear of losing their advantages than from any genuine concern for public order.

But there has to be a paradigm shift in Malaysian politics because the nation cannot afford to live forever under political fear. As tax-payers and free-minded citizens, Malaysians have the right to express their opinion even in the form of public action, including claiming back Dataran Merdeka from Umno’s and, by extension, Barisan Nasional’s monopoly, which has built so much myth of national liberation around it at the expense of the country’s future.

One only has to witness the way their leaders are eating high on the hog.

What matters most is that civil society and the general public must not be absent from the meaningful event. The issue is not about Anwar Ibrahim, Lim Kit Siang, Hadi Awang or whether a non-Malay can present a better, alternative government, but about transparency, integrity and justice.

It is also about giving Malaysians a chance to drive out their fear and empower themselves politically. One needs no hero in this endeavour, for everyone can take charge of everyone’s own life by being wise, gentle yet bold in demanding a say in national affairs.

When East Germany was experiencing an upheaval in 1989 that would eventually consign the iron regime of the communists to history, many attributed the amazingly speedy democratic process to Mikhail Gorbachev.

President Richard von Weizsacker, West German president at the time, went a step further by crediting both the reform-minded Soviet leader and the brave East German church which had been working behind the scenes to protect political dissidents and provide them with a platform to spread their ideals.

Even the Lady would be nobody without the faithful and persistent masses in Burma.

If Malaysia was one day to be free of Umno’s tutelage, we might one day look back and congratulate each other by saying, ‘Well done, Bersih and the rakyat’.

For that to happen, one must stand up and be counted now, come what may.

---

JOSH HONG studied politics at London Metropolitan University and the School of Oriental and African Studies, University of London. A keen watcher of domestic and international politics, he longs for a day when Malaysians will learn and master the art of self-mockery, and enjoy life to the full in spite of politicians.

[Article contributed by Josh Hong]

Court order issued against Bersih rally

The police have obtained a court order against Bersih 3.0 organisers and the public from gathering at Dataran Merdeka tomorrow.

Also named in the order, issued by Magistrate Zaki Asyraf Zubir at 8.30pm last night, was Bersih 3.0 chairperson S Ambiga.

According to a source, the police sought the order upon the instruction of the Attorney-General’s Chambers.

The order effectively barred anyone from gathering at Dataran Merdeka tomorrow and from holding any rally within its vicinity.

During the previous Bersih rally in July, the police only obtained a court order against 91 inviduals including Ambiga, Umno Youth chief Khairy Jamaluddin and Perkasa president Ibrahim Ali from being at certain parts of Kuala Lumpur.

This time around the police included the public in its list.

Bersih: We will continue
Responding to the latest development, Bersih 3.0 steeting committee member Wong Chin Huat said they would try to get “as close as possible” to Dataran Merdeka.

“We will continue,” he vowed, adding that the authorities could do as it wished but in the end it was the will of the people that would prevail.

Himpunan Hijau 2.0 steering committee member Clement Chin also stood firm in his decision to back Bersih 3.0.

“We would back Bersih 3.0 come rain or shine. Whatever it is, we would be there tomorrow,” he told FMT.

He added that this was about solidarity and Bersih’s struggles were about fundamental rights of the common man.

“We are suffering due to corruption and poor governance. If the authorities cannot allow us from expressing our grievances, how can the government function properly?” he asked.

Bar Council: This is unecessary
Bar Council vice-president Christopher Leong said that the latest action by the police was unnecessary.

He also said the authorities seemed to be hell-bent on pursuing a head-on collission with the public on the matter.

“The police could have just facilitated this peaceful rally which would probably end in two hours time,” he added.

Suhakam commissioner Muhammad Shaani Abdullah called the latest development an “over-reaction” by the police.

He also said the right to assemble was a basic human right and it was protected under the Federal Constitution.

“We are no longer in the 1960s where there were criminal elements to disrupt the nation’s security. The realities now are different and the authorities should facilitate a public rally,” he added.

The human rights commissioner said the police should not be seen as taking sides on the matter.

“But now the authorities are taking a confrontational approach. You are not helping in coming up with a solution. These are Malaysian citizens we are talking about,” he said.

Shaani backed his statement by saying that previous Suhakam inquiries showed that most rallies had been peaceful until the authorities intervened.

He also said that about 20 of his officers would be deployed to monitor tomorrow’s rally.

[Source: FMT]

LATEST: Dataran Merdeka locked down for 48 hours

Dataran Merdeka will be closed off to the public for the next 48 hours from 6 am tomorrow as the authorities move to prevent the Bersih 3.0 sit-in in the historical square this Saturday.


Kuala Lumpur City Hall (DBKL) issued the order after unconfirmed reports said that police have obtained a court order today preventing the use of Dataran Merdeka for a rally.


The move against the electoral reforms movement is seen as a sign that the hawks in PutraJaya have won the day despite their confidence that the rally has no traction.


However, the restriction will be lifted at 6 am on Sunday.

Michelle Yeoh in The Lady

 

Michelle Yeoh

 

Aung San Suu Kyi

I have just finished watching the film, The Lady, with our Michelle Yeoh in the starring role of Aung San Suu Kyi, the resistance leader of Myammar and leader of the National League For Democracy Party.  Besides the depiction of human sufferings, the movie too has its poignant moments where in one instance, it shows her walking towards the barrels of the soldiers' M16 rifles who could in all probability shot her without even blinking an eye lid.  After some tense moments, the soldiers lowered their rifles and allowed her to pass through.  She knew she was dealing a military junta who are brutal in nature but if her country was to come out from the dark ages, she had to do what is necessary to bring about democratic changes.  I must admit Michelle did herself credit by portraying the lady, and I am sure Aung San Suu Kyi couldn't be anymore happier knowing that her struggles to free the Burmese people from tyranny, is now at last, on the big silver screen for the whole world to see.

Now, wouldn't her role be more befitting if she was to come home and be a part of the movement for change.  A good start would be the BERSIH 3.0 rally where she could even take to the rostrum and urges the people to right the wrongs of this nation, just as she did on the film to the Burmese people.  Putting aside her sentiments for MCA, this could be a defining moment for her too.

What say you, Michelle?

LATEST: Ambiga takes on Khairy in electoral reforms debate tonight

Umno is pinning its hopes on Youth chief Khairy Jamaluddin to stop Bersih co-chairman Ambiga Sreenevasan in her tracks tonight at a public debate on electoral reforms, three days to the April 28 nationwide rally for free and fair polls.

"Electoral reform debate tonight 8pm at Bukit Utama Golf Course. For seats contact @malaymail." Khairy said on his Twitter.

"No, there is no live TV coverage of the debate between @Ambiga_S and me tonight. Ask @malaymail if there's live streaming online."

The debate is being organized by the Umno-linked Malay Mail newspaper.

Lip service and lies?

Many pundits see the debate as a move by Prime Minister Najib Razak's Umno party to show that it is not against reforms and greater democratic space. Nonetheless, it cannot be denied the Najib government has been openly against any move to improve the electoral system despite lip service that it is all for "transformation".

According to Bersih and other critics, Najib is actually doing the opposite in reality. They point to his pushing through 11th-hour amendments to Election Offenses Act in the wee hours of the morning on the last day of Parliament last week.

Indeed the move to stop the Parliament's clock just to ram in changes that Ambiga has said would make it all the tougher for reforms to be tabled has raised eyebrows within the nation and overseas.

Bersih 3.0, the third rally organized by the coalition of NGOs, will be held not just in Malaysia but in 70 cities in 29 countries this Saturday. In Malaysia, the rally will be held in several key states, while the main sit-in demonstration will be at the Dataran Merdeka in Kuala Lumpur.

Bersih has targeted a total crowd size of 500,000 including participants at Global Bersih.

Two-party system

For tonight's debate, Khairy is expected to tear into Ambiga's argument that the Najib administration has been deceiving the people it was serious about polls reforms when it has actually backtracked.

A common argument often seen in the Umno media is that 'cheating' at the ballot boxes is not new, why the sudden concern now. The answer usually given is that the 13th general election is expected to be the 'dirtiest' one ever. This may be true as it is the view of most pundits.

However, the overriding point is that there is no timeline on when Malaysians should demand clean polls. As pundits have said, it should have been done much earlier but in the past.

But prior to the 2008 general election the people were not as aware of their rights as they are now and to a large extent, this was due to the emergence of the Pakatan Rakyat led by Opposition Leader Anwar Ibrahim.

Should be televised live

In just 4 years, the Opposition has managed to show how important a two-party system is to counter the endemic corruption in the country and how basic it is to the survival of a nation's democracy.

Both Khairy and Ambiga are expected to acquit themselves well tonight. Khairy, an Oxford graduate, is a good speaker and so is Ambiga, the former president of the Bar Council.

"It is a pity it will not be televised live but I guess Umno won't dare take the chance that Bersih will be more convincing in its arguments," PKR vice president Chua Jui Meng told Malaysia Chronicle.

[Source: Malaysia Chronicle]

One rural vote worth six urban ballots, favours BN, analysts say

Lecturer Wong Chin Huat said a constitutional safeguard against gerrymandering was first loosened and subsequently removed completely.

The Election Commission’s (EC) drawing of electoral boundaries makes a rural voter worth an average of six urban voters, biasing elections towards Barisan Nasional (BN) as it is stronger in the countryside, according to poll analysts.

Election watchdog Tindak Malaysia founder PY Wong said the ruling coalition won 112 out of the smallest 139 federal seats in Election 2008, giving it simple majority in Parliament with just 18.9 per cent of the popular vote. The seats have not been changed for the next general election.

“Something is seriously wrong when you can win 50.4 per cent of Parliament with just 18.9 per cent of the votes,” he told a forum here last night.

Wong said malapportionment — unequally-sized constituencies — and gerrymandering — manipulation of electoral boundaries — also allowed the ruling coalition to rack up 62 of the smallest seats with just 6.2 per cent of the popular vote.

Something is seriously wrong when you can win 50.4 per cent of Parliament with just 18.9 per cent of the votes

He pointed out how the smallest federal seat was Putrajaya, won by BN, with 6,008 voters, while Kapar, won by PKR, had over 112,000.

Another analyst, Wong Chin Huat, pointed out that the smallest 112 seats only represented 33.8 per cent of the electorate.

The Bersih steering committee member said this allowed for the lopsided results in 2004, where BN won 90.9 per cent of Parliament with just 63.9 per cent of the popular vote, while Datuk Seri Dr Wan Azizah Wan Ismail was PKR’s sole MP despite gaining 8.4 per cent of votes cast.

“This means one vote for BN was worth 26 votes for PKR,” he said.

Chin Huat said malapportionment and gerrymandering have been made easier after a constitutional provision, which stated the largest and smallest seats may only have a 15 per cent differential, was amended in 1962 to 50 per cent and then abolished completely in 1973.

The lecturer at Monash University, Sunway, said Bersih proposed to solve the rural bias by ensuring that the maximum size of the largest state seat can only be half of the smallest federal seat.

“If they have small rural parliamentary seats, this will only create many urban state seats and give urban voters control of the state governments. By linking Parliament and state seats, you avoid the bias,” he said.

Pakatan Rakyat (PR) denied BN its customary two-thirds supermajority of Parliament at the last general election by capturing 82 federal seats and five state governments.

Although the opposition coalition marginally won the popular vote in Peninsular Malaysia, it only took 80 out of the 166 federal seats available there. But it has now lost six seats as the winning lawmakers have turned independent and support BN in parliament.

Bersih will hold a sit-in rally this weekend to press its demands for electoral reforms despite a parliamentary select committee (PSC) making its recommendations to the EC.

[Source: The MI]

Here is the reason why BERSIH 3.0 cannot be compromised

On 19 April 2012, many Bills were rushed through Parliament. 

One of them, which appears to have escaped the attention of the public, was a Bill that sought to amend the Election Offences Act 1954. The amendments are, to say the least, shocking and have far reaching consequences upon the voting process.

They are designed solely for the purpose of making the voting process less transparent. Needless to say this Bill was passed.

1. Those that publish defamatory, racist and sexist remarks may do so with impunity
Section 11(c) which had required any print materials to have the names and addresses of its printer and publisher is DELETED IN FULL.
This means that anyone can now put up anonymous defamatory, racist or sexist posters without identifying the publisher or printer. Poison posters will now become standard fare. This goes completely against Bersih 2.0’s demand to end dirty politics.

2. Election monitoring at EC’s discretion
s14 1(A) is replaced with a clause which allows the Election Commission to appoint time slots to determine when polling agents or counting agents of a candidate may be present. Therefore the time when an agent of a candidate is allowed into the Polling Station is no longer fixed and is now left to the discretion of the EC to decide. They are free to remove Agents from Polling Station at will.

The reality is that polling and counting agents are usually appointed by the candidate and this ensures a more transparent process. However, with the new amendment there are possibilities of abuse. The time schedule is best understood by the candidates as they organise their agents according to their time availability, as most of them are volunteers. If the time schedule is at the discretion of the EC, this may mean that different persons are being rotated and this does not allow the agents to observe inconsistencies systematically. Worse, when such a time schedule is applied during vote counting, as it again may open up opportunities for mis-counting.

3. Curbing candidates and their staff from checking on identity of voters
S26 1(e) which allowed for checking of the identity of any person entering a polling centre is DELETED IN FULL.

The implication is that candidates and its election staff are not allowed to check on the identity of voters to establish if they are genuine or even to help them to identify if they are at the correct polling station. This also means that phantom voters or multiple voters will not be detected. The 50m exclusion zone outside the polling centre is now extended to 100m or more, depending on what the EC to decide. This makes it impossible for election monitors to see anything illegal going on.

It will also make it impossible to see if a voter is marked with indelible ink thus minimising its effect.

4. Election agent or candidate disallowed at election booths (barong) S26A Sub-section (2) and (3) are DELETED IN FULL. This means that all channels of election observation are sealed off as it now does not allow election candidates and staff to observe the registration of voters during polling day. Such an amendment opens up possibilities of abuse and fraud. There will be no more Barung Observers who were previously the only non-EC people able to look at the IC of the voter and pick up discrepancies. This is a major blow to the plans to weed out phantom voters. They can now walk in freely and the polling agent (even if he is allowed into the polling station) will have no opportunity to look at the IC of the voter. The same point about indelible ink made above, will apply
These amendments which have been introduced so late and bulldozed through Parliament makes a mockery of our electoral process. More importantly it makes a mockery of the Parliamentary Select Committee (PSC) as it appears that these amendments were hidden from them. What does the PSC have to say about this?

Today, Bersih 2.0 reiterates its call for the Election Commissioners to resign immediately as it has failed to uphold the rakyat’s demand for a clean, fair and democratic electoral system. In fact it is unashamedly doing the opposite.
If anyone had any doubt that Bersih 3.0 is necessary, that doubt is now dispelled with this latest move. 
These amendments confirm our worst fears that the 13th GE will be the dirtiest yet.

The audacity with which these amendments are proposed and the speed with which they were passed reflects the utter contempt being shown for the rakyat’s call for clean and fair elections.

The EC must resign for allowing such amendments to be proposed.

We urge members of the public to read the amendments for themselves and then to fax the EC at 603-88889117 to express their views and if seen fit to call for their resignation.

[Dato’ Ambiga Sreenevasan is Co-chairperson of the Steering Committee for the Coalition for Clean and Fair Elections (Bersih 2.0)]

[Source: Aliran]


The name of the game of the UMNO government - gerrymandering, re-locating voters, registering illegal immigrants, delineation, vote buying, "You help me, I help you" tactic, the massive relocating of RELA members into Selangor and now a skewed amendment to the Election Act in favour of the ruling party.  UMNO knows they are going to lose big time come GE13 and it is for this reason that they are not stopping at anything to ensure they continue to stay in PutraJaya for as long as it takes, even to the point of having illegal immigrants voting for them.  The fact is crystal clear, Malaysians have deserted them.  If Pakatan ever win this GE or even better their 2008 performance, it is truly by the Grace of God.

BERSIH 3.0 Updates

The Bersih steering committee are advising participants from out of town to use public transport to get to the city and designated meeting points. 

Meeting points:

• National Mosque
• Jalan Sultan
• Mesjid India
• Central Market
• Brickfields roundabout

Although the police and the Kuala Lumpur City Hall (DBKL) have barred the use of the iconic Dataran Merdeka, Bersih is adamant on holding its protest there on Saturday.

"No other venue located outside central KL can offer similar convenience," Bersih co-chairpersons Ambiga Sreenevasan and A Samad Said said in a joint statement.

BERSIH 2.0 A Review

Monday Humour

This is Kulula Airline of South Africa.  It is a pity they don't operate internationally as otherwise they would have added a dose of humour in the air.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings..

If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.

It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.

I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today..

And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."