Monday Humour

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

CASE DISMISSED !!!

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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I
don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small..

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives!!

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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language

of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked

up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down "Why"?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch."

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a

Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him

questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

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1.The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
'I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies ofeverything.'

2. Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection withthat...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops....Will call back in an hour!

3. Blair and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Bush and Blair?'
The barman says 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'
Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
And Blair says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.'
And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !'
Blair turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Iraqis!'

4. A man is taking a walk in Central Park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by apit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl.'
The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:'Brave American saves life of little girl,' the policeman answers.
'But I am not an American!' says the man.
Oh, what are you then?'
The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'
The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog.'