----------------------------------------------------------------- My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
- CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
- I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
- If the bank returns your cheque marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!!!!!!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at theCountry Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90..'
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
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