Monday Humour

SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find
her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone?

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Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The barman says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks

over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill a few hundred thousands of

Talibans and one bicycle repairman.'

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!!!'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about
those Taliban fellas!'

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?'

To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is!

My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'

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A Jew died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'

2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today andTomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a
year?'

The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,
etc...'

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.

He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'

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Ah Beng and Ah Lian were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So Ah Beng asked Ah Lian, 'Why are you crying?' Ah Lian replied, 'I came here for blood test' Ah Beng asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' She replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, Ah Beng started crying. Ah Lian was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'

To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'

Peanuts, not sweeping reforms

Let’s not be fooled, people. The changes Najib announced are merely cosmetic, and will have to be passed in Parliament first before they become effective.

Meanwhile, Articles 149 and 150 are still there to provide Parliament with the power to pass laws that do not have to be consistent with the freedoms guaranteed in Articles 5, 9, 10 and 13, and to allow the Cabinet to declare an emergency. The Emergency proclamations may go, but Article 150 is still around. We the people are still vulnerable.

PEANUTS. That’s what Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak’s so-called “sweeping reforms” are. They hardly amount to a political transformation.

While it’s cheering to note that the Internal Security Act (ISA) will be repealed – finally, after our many years of waiting – and that the Emergency proclamations are to be lifted – a decision that is decades overdue – it’s disturbing to be told that they will be replaced by two new laws aimed at preventing subversion and safeguarding public order.

And even though the detention period under these new laws may be shorter, with further extensions to be made by court order, the Home Minister is still the one to decide who gets detained for suspicion of being a terrorist.

This means, theoretically speaking, that although Najib has given the commitment that “no individual will be detained purely based on political ideology”, there is no stopping the government from branding a political opponent a suspected terrorist, whether or not he is one. Just to lock him away.

Another so-called “reform” is scrapping the requirement for publications to renew their printing licences annually.

This, also, is nothing to crow about. It still means that publications have to obtain a licence that the Home Minister may or may not grant. It still means the Home Minister has the absolute power to suspend or revoke a licence at any time. And his decision cannot be challenged in court. He does not even have to give a reason.

It also means the Home Ministry can still call up newspaper editors and cow them into submission for publishing something the ministry finds objectionable. Like what happened recently to The Star when it ran the heading ‘Ramadhan delights’ for an eating-out supplement that was not totally devoted to halal food.

The ministry can still practise the double standards it has been practising – turn a blind eye to the race-baiting and rabble-rousing of Utusan Malaysia but come down hard on the minor transgressions of other publications. So where’s the change?

If the government were truly sincere and had the political will, it should repeal the Publications and Printing Presses Act (PPPA) and no longer require publications to obtain a printing licence. That would be in keeping with the spirit of what Najib talked about instituting in Malaysia when he announced the “reforms” on Sept 15 – a “democratic system based on the universal philosophy of ‘of the people, by the people and for the people’”.

Vague reforms

None of the newly announced “reforms” fully cohere with this spirit.

On Section 27 of the Police Act, Najib said there would be a review to take into consideration the provisions under Article 10 of the Federal Constitution which guarantees Malaysians the right to freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and freedom of association.

But in the same breath, he said police permits would still be required for street demonstrations, subject to certain criteria.

If freedom of assembly, which should be a right of all citizens, is still curtailed in this fashion, what is that rubbish talk of Najib’s about forging a democratic system “of the people, by the people and for the people”?

He did say, however, that “permission to assemble will be given in accordance with procedures to be fixed later that will take into account international norms”. But this sounds vague. What international norms did he mean? And when is “later” going to be?

And speaking of Article 10, why doesn’t the government address the other impediments to freedom of speech, such as the Official Secrets Act (OSA), the Sedition Act, the Universities and University Colleges Act (UUCA), the Multimedia and Communications Act, the Public Order (Preservation) Ordinance?

No wonder Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein was smirking and applauding when Najib made his announcements. His absolute powers remain intact.

Let’s not be fooled, people. The changes Najib announced are merely cosmetic. And of course they will have to be passed in Parliament first before they become effective.

Meanwhile, Articles 149 and 150 are still there to provide Parliament with the power to pass laws that do not have to be consistent with the freedoms guaranteed in Articles 5, 9, 10 and 13, and to allow the Cabinet to declare an emergency. The Emergency proclamations may go, but Article 150 is still around. We the people are still vulnerable.

Some of us may say that we cannot expect the government to make such truly sweeping reforms in one go, and that we should be thankful for the small mercies we are now getting. Some may say this could be just the beginning, and more reforms could come.

That’s well and good. But at the same time, we should give credit where it’s due for this beginning. It’s not Najib we should thank. What we are getting is what has been due us for a long time, what any concerned government should have given us even without our having to pressure them to do so.

We should instead acknowledge that the March 8 effect lives on, and therefore the credit for these changes should go to us the rakyat for voting as we did on March 8, 2008. We voted in a stronger opposition, we denied the ruling party the two-thirds majority that it had abused to increasingly curb our democratic rights over the decades. We sent them the message that enough was enough.

[Kee Thuan Chye, Free Malaysia Today]

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Be as it may, after all the lies heaped upon lies, I will not touch this Najib fella even with a 10-foot pole. I personally believe that in view of the pending GE13, this is nothing more than another 'syiok sendiri' thingy which has gradually become his hallmark. Punters will not even take bets knowing very well this will eventually come to nothing. And this is the saddest thing of all, a prime minister who has lost the trust of its people long time ago, and he still thinks he has his clothes on.

Today, we celebrate Malaysia Day!

Forty Eight years on, we still get to hear these memorable tunes commemorating the coming together as one nation.

Pakatan leaders in the crosshair of UMNO politics

Ever since Pakatan made substantial gains in the 2008 GE, there was no let up on UMNO's part in their unrelentless pursuit in bringing down the opposition especially in states administered by the latter. Out of the five states, UMNO successfully regained Perak through dubious means. Lim Guan Eng was next in the firing line with one attack after another but the attempt so far has been futile. Now they are gunning for Selangor, the cash cow for UMNO, in the DUMC issue in which Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim has been accused of Chritianisation of the state. Simultaneously, they launched a broadside attack on Mat Sabu of PAS on branding him of being a communist "sympathiser". More attacks are expected in the days to come and the Opposition must weather these onslaughts till the coming GE, and so far so good despite the loss of Perak state. UMNO must send its sniper teams for more shooting lessons as the results are certainly less than satisfactory.

AirAsia, you are flying the wrong direction

The following was posted by one Richard Teo :

Once upon a time , AirAsia's slogan was 'Now everyone can fly.' But nowadays this no longer holds true. In the beginning, AirAsia was really making a serious effort to enable everyone to fly on the no frills airline. Fares were not only cheap for those who purchased their tickets in advance. Also there were no hidden costs and the total fares after taxes were cheap and really affordable to the man in the street. In fact if you were lucky enough the tickets you bought could even be cheaper than the cost of the ticket for a long haul bus. Not only were there cheap tickets but there were a lot of extras that normal airlines did not provide.

Senior citizens above 60 were given priority of boarding, you could select any seats of your choice, there was no such thing as fuel surcharge added to the cost of the ticket. In short, there were no hidden costs. But AirAsia , nowadays cannot boast of its 'now everyone can fly' slogan because its concept has been totally altered. Now, its policy is to charge for everything. Senior citizens no longer have the privilege of boarding first. If you want to board first you have to pay for priority boarding. If you want to select your favourite seats you have to pay for it. Just you think that is the end of it, you are hit with another cost. It's call processing fees for using a credit card for your online booking.

It seems that the credit card company commission is even passed to the passenger in the guise of processing fees. The moral of the story is that we should no longer be deceived by the AirAsia slogan of 'Everyone can fly'. Maybe its time travellers should revert back to our national carrier MAS. At least there are no hidden costs and what you pay is transparent. And if you are a golfer the more reason why you should travel MAS because they don't charge you for your golf bags whereas AirAsia charges RM50 for that extra luggage. And if you are a handicapped person, please be aware that AirAsia charges RM15 for using their wheel chair. Lastly, MAS provides you the luxury of boarding and landing using an air bridge whereas with AirAsia, you have to be content with climbing up and down a gangway to board and disembark your flights.

The reason? Because AirAsia can save paying the airport authorities for using the facility at the expense of discomfort to the paying customers.

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I guess you can say that when one becomes successful, one tends to forget his own humble beginnings. Although we can accept this no-frill concept, the impression given is that, what they can't get from you in the air, they squeeze you on the ground.

Monday Humour

DAD'S REPLY ......

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,

orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if

you might be my kid."

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NEW COUNCIL RATES FOR 2011/2012

YOUR HOUSE

As seen by yourself

As seen by your buyer

As seen by your lender

As seen by the bank's valuer

As seen by your Council Rate Assessor:

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What is a Financial Bail-Out ?

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down harshly, and all the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some room-keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 note and rushes down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of animal feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the friendly neighborhood pub. The pub owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar - who, in spite of facing hard times, has always gladly offered him her services on credit.

The hooker then rushes over to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.

The hotel proprietor quietly replaces the 100 note back on the counter, so that the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that none of the rooms are satisfactory, picks up the 100 note, pockets it and leaves town.

...No one has produced anything. No one has earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, dear ladies and gentlemen, is how a basic financial bailout package works !

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SOUTH AFRICAN HANDSHAKE

PDRM, why have you forsaken us?

The image of our men in blue has certainly taken a good bashing following the bashing they gave to Bersih 2.0 protesters on July 9 2011. Even long before this event, things were not going right with the PDRM especially with the increase of custodial deaths as well the increase in crime rate which they look so helpless to contain. The excuse given was, it was only due to a few 'rotten apples' that are giving the force a bad name. Then by logic, isn't it easier then to remove these 'few rotten apples' before it tarnishes the entire force? Why was it not done? The public faith is almost down to zero and unless something is drastically done, the PDRM will end up to be nothing more than a bunch of uniformed thugs.

Perhaps we could take a leaf out of the 'Robocop' movies and have our police personnel all re-program to think like our titanium armored hero. In view of their limited education [some of them], we can give them three simple directives to enable them to carry out their duties efficiently ...

1. Serve the public trust.

2. Protect the innocent.

3. Uphold the law [certainly not UMNO's law].

I believe this should solve the problem. If this doesn't work, God help us all.