Monday Humour

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE AND IT APPLIES BOTH WAYS

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While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is

tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'

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This video shows Singapore comedian, Dick Lee, at his best. If we sang the way he did, it would have been curtains for us under the ISA, especially about the national anthem.

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Difference between "Wife" &"Girlfriend"

Some people say :
Wife is a HARIMAU (Tiger)................
Girlfriend is HARI HARI MAU (Like to have it everyday)

And some say:

Wife is like TV, Girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, Go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services
will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old but HP, is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding.

Most Important, TV got remote but HP doesn't have.

Last but not least........

TV do not have virus but HP have VIRUS......

Once get it, HABIS LAH(Finish-gone case).

So better choose TV lah!

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Some quips about wives from famous people :

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

[Lee Majors] After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. [Al Gore] By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. [Socrates] Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. [Mike Tyson] The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? [George Clooney] I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. [Bill Clinton] "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." [George W. Bush] "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." [Rudy Giuliani] "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." [Michael Jordan] "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! [Donald Trump] Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. [Shaquille O’Neal] The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... [Kobe Bryant] You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. [David Hasselhoff] My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. [Alec Baldwin] A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. [Barack Obama] Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. [Tommy Lee] A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." [Brad Pitt] First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." [Jimmy Kimmel] “Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” [David Letterman] “First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring....soon after......comes Suffer...ing! [Jay Leno] Marriage is a public confession of a private intention. [Pete Benzon]