Monday Humour

When parents text message with their children

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Think you are having a bad day?

Case no: 1

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. 

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....
 
Still think you're having a bad day?
 
Case no: 2
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. 

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day ? Just remember, it could be worse....
 
Case no: 3
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. 

Still think you are having a bad day?
 
Case no: 4
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 

STILL think you're having a bad day?
 
Case no: 5
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death. 

What?! STILL having a bad day??
 
Case no: 6
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?
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Now you must have heard this one before, but no harm reading the joke again since it involves our education system.

It is most alarming that many Malaysian schools teach our children the
wrong things. I mean; can the children really apply what they are
taught in school later in life?

For example, can you imagine a mathematics question in a recent
examination as follows? "If an egg costs fifty sen, and if you buy 1/5
of the egg, how much would you have to pay?  "Who in Heaven's name will
want to buy 1/5 of an egg?  Yet, this is how they structure the
questions in Malaysian schools.

Why not pose questions that would be more useful later in life when
one goes out into the real world?

To help Malaysia 's Ministry of Education to come up with better
quality exam questions, we are offering our free suggestions as
follows:-

QUESTION 1.
If your father drives from Kuala Lumpur to Penang along the PLUS
Highway and there are four speed traps along the way and if each speed
trap could cost him RM300.00 in fines, how much in fines would he have
paid by the time he reaches Penang ?

ANSWER (Multiple choices):
1. He would not suffer any fines as oncoming cars would flash their
headlights and he would slow down before getting to the speed trap.
2. He would pay RM80.00 as RM20.00 bribe at each speed trap. During
Raya time, make that Rm160.
3. If his father is an UMNO minister, then he pays nothing.

QUESTION 2.
If a Bumi company is awarded a RM150 million government contract, and
they make a 20% profit, how much profit would be at the end of the
contract period?

ANSWER (Multiple choices):
1. The Chinese owners will have 0% profit as they would have to pay
the Minister 10% and his bumi director 10%.
2. They would make a 300% profit due to cost overrun, which is the
first progress payment they receive, after which they will abandon the
project and let the government call for re-tender, and they will then
re-tender again under a different bumi company name and make another
300% profit.
3. The company will not make any profit at all as all the bumi
directors will go on luxury holidays traveling first class with whole
family, buy one Mercedes Benz S class and one BMW 525 each, etc, etc
and show a loss to avoid paying corporate tax.

QUESTION 3.
If the national petroleum company, Petronas, makes 5 billion Ringgit
per year, how much should Petronas have in the bank after 25 years?

ANSWER (Multiple Choices):
1. Nobody is supposed to know as Petronas need not show its accounts
to anyone except the PM and this information comes under the Official
Secrets Act.
2. Petronas will be bankrupt as all the money will be spent bailing
out companies and cronies of the PM and other Ministers's children.
3. Who cares?............. We never see any of it anyway.
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Gardening with Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let
your rose buds show!' And out she goes..

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends
coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.