Monday Humour

Believe me. There is that saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn!"

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A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink

for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs

his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a

menacing stare as if to say 'What cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker

says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between

sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss

fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen

and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an

end to my life,

--- and then you show up and drank the damn poison. “

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he
approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a
large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU
WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the
very embarrassed man...
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO
INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT
DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked
her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde
replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to
my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for
these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the
chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just
paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the
other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along came a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - 'Isn't that obvious?')

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm sorry, officer but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all you know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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TO ALL MY CHINESE FRIENDS, HAVE A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR. DON'T OVERDO THE EATING AND DRINKING. MODERATION WILL BE FINE.