Monday Humour

One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have 
some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She 
lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your 
mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and 
mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to 
fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. 
She is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." 

Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came 
home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in
June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He
finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and tell her
about his father's secret.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he 
complained.  "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." 

"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? 
He's not even your real father."

Humour for the day

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"

The wife teed up and it was a very powerful shot, taking it right through the window of the biggest house on the course with a crash. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year

 for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, 
looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied.

"And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a 
thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and 
all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs 
and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, 
looked at the wife, and said "How old is your
 husband anyway?" 

"38." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

Humour For The Day

TEXT MESSAGES CAN GET MISCONSTRUED SO EASILY ....

Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

The Response

 

John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead.  He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air.  He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.

 The Second Text Message

Hi John,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

Humour For The Day

The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. 

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 

"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"


The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

It is certainly nice to live your life backwards.

Woody Allen's sense of humour is a class apart!

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!"

Bloody brilliant 👏👏👏

If this is not being ludicrous, I don't know what is.

Humour for the day

A family living in harmony. Need I say more?

How the F-16 pilots of the Singapore Air Force outwitted the Americans

Recently, there was an article in the Malaysian-Chronicle on how the Republic of Singapore Air Force F-16 pilots had used Singlish to outsmart the US F-15s in a recent Red Flag combat exercise.
Just the thought of that happening was so funny, many of you probably wondered what it'd have been like to actually witness it.

Wonder no more.

It's funnier with the YouTube captions. Now, let's see our pilots using Manglish to outwit our Singapore cousins.

Monday Humour

THE SLACKER

General Motors, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that bloody slacker did here?"

From across the room came a voice: "That was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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EXQUISITE BRITISH HUMOUR

 

The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

 

 

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

 

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

 

 

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

 

'Please Ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm very tired.'

 

 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

  

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

  

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!  This American should be put in his place!'

  

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

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Monday Humour

AN UNUSUAL REQUEST

A man walks into the doctor's office and says: "Doctor, my name is Mark, and I'd like to be castrated."

"What? Are you sure about this? Why?" asks the doctor, amazed.

"It's something I've been considering a long time and I'd like to have it done" replies Mark.

"But have you thought it through? REALLY through?" asks the concerned doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" 

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I'll simply use another doctor." 

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But I'll have you know that it's against my better judgment!" 

So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. 

"Hi there," says Mark,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." 

"Yes, it seems like" said the patient, "as for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised." 

Mark stared at him in horror and screamed, "Dammit, THAT was the word!!!"

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DILEMMA 

“Hello.”

“Mrs. Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to this lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well . We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.
“That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once.”

 

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The NHS helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

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A NEW AGE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

 

Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....
They don't come to change the family, they are here to ... 

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional
manner. As expected she gave a speech;

'My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home
and family. Firstly, my being here does not mean that I want to change
your way of life, your routine ..'No, I will never do that, never in a
million years.'

'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.

'I'M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'

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A JAPANESE ELEVATOR PRANK

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VOICE RECOGNITION ELEVATOR

Monday Humour

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.'

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day: 'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'

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Here are some liners about marriage from one of America's well loved comedian, Red Skeleton.

 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a

little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ....

3.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands when we go out. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13.The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

Monday Humour

THREE THINGS KJ LIKES ABOUT PAKATAN

Youth and Sports Minister Khairy Jamaluddin was put on the spot at a student summit today when he was asked to name three things he liked about Pakatan Rakyat.

Khairy, who is usually a good orator, had his jaw gaping wide a few times while composing his thoughts.

"Umm... The first thing I sort of like about them, I have to be grudging about it... Oh come on give me a chance here," he said at the 7th Annual Malaysian Students Leaders Summit in Kuala Lumpur to roars of laughter from the crowd.

When he finally managed to come up with an answer, Khairy said he admired the sense of camaraderie among Pakatan components.

"You would see DAP, PAS and PKR at the same ceramah.

"We (BN) try to do that as well but the sense of being together is quite obvious in Pakatan which I think is something to respect," he said.

For the second point, Khairy conceded that Pakatan appeared to give more space to young people, to which the room applauded in agreement.

"You don't have to clap, you don't have to make things worse for me, it's already uncomfortable.

"The third (thing) I think is their (Pakatan's) engagement on social media is a bit better than ours... Just a bit," said Khairy, who is among the most active BN politicians on Twitter.

'Too many old men'

To a question on whether Umno had an unwelcoming attitude towards youths, Khairy admitted that this was the case but the party was trying to change this.

He added that young people in Umno must also go the extra mile by going to the ground and cannot expect to be parachuted as candidates.

"I was Umno Youth chief but was not appointed to any ministry, I was in the wilderness for five years but I stuck (with it), learned about the programme, got to know the party and grassroots," he said.

While some young people think that they would have more space by joining Pakatan, Khairy had an advice for them.

"Some young people say they should join Pakatan because it's easy to be a candidate because BN has many old warlords who do not want to give way.

"But Pakatan has so many 'young people' that if you wait for them to 'expire' it's going to take a long me.

"But we (BN) got many old men," he quipped.

_________________________________________________________________

Irish Joke

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Oh, please, stop doing it then!"

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A SPAGHETTI LOVE AFFAIR

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. 

On the card was written:

Spaghetti,

Spaghetti,

Spaghetti,

Spaghetti,

Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!

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PRANK OF A RETIREE

As a public service to my retired friends and others who may get trapped
into going shopping .........

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my  dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you

from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed

below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.*

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a

reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance,
causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't
have a Code 3.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on

layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

Monday Humour

EURO ENGLISH

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for  improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become  known as "Euro-English". 

In the first year, "s" will  replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump  with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should  klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There  will be growing publik enthusiasm in  the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f"..  This will make words like fotograf 20%  shorter. 

In the  3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted  to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are  possible. 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double  letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate  speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the  silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go  away. 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such  as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"  and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil  sensi bl riten  styl. 
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil  find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali  kum tru. 

Und  efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze  forst plas.

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YOUR PARROT, IT IS DEAD

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20  204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

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A WOMAN SCORNED

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began shouting greetings to her: "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

 "Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis”, she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicoolcanoconiosis  (45 letters)

Monday Humour

A SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING

The Thai mother-in-law walks into her daughter's new house in the village and finds her European son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

Mother : "What happen?" she asked.

Son-in Law : "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife Kung saying that I was coming home from  England today.

                          

I got here and guess what I found? My wife, Kung, yes your daughter, in our bed with a Thai gentleman! This is the end of our marriage and I am leaving Thailand forever!"

Mother : "Relax, relax!" says mother-in-law, "Mistake, sure! Something is not right about this story. Kung never would do something so stupid!

 

Wait... I check to see what really happen."

Moments later she comes back with a big smile.

 

Mother : "See, I told you there must be a simple explanation. Kung never received your email."

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A QUICK WITTED SENIOR

One hot afternoon, a 70-year old farmer decided to go to the river to fetch himself a pail of water for his cows to drink.  As he approached the river, he heard sounds of giggles and laughter coming from the river.  As he got nearer, he saw three beautiful maidens taking their bath in the water, stark naked.  One of the girls saw him and immediately shouted at him that if he did not stop prying or go away, they would report him to the police.

The farmer calmly told them, showing them his pail, "Not to worry, ladies, I am only here to feed the crocodiles".

Now you imagine the rest.