Monday, June 20, 2011

Monday Humour

What a week it has been. With tension escalating as we approach the July 9 gathering of BERSIH, PERKASA and UMNO Youth, I thought it would be best to loosen up a bit with some humour.

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' [Paddy thought when the cop mentioned "pedestrians", he thought he meant "Protestants".]
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Records from the I M H-(Institute of Mental Health)

Record I

Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"

Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense,

sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art
– too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone

book back to the original place?"

Record II
A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off,
what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."

Doctor: "Hmm....that's if I were to cut your other ear
off, what will happen then?"

Patient: "I will not be able to see"

The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off"

Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and
squats at the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.

The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to
understand her behavior first.

So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted
besides her everyday.

The days go by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single
exchange of word. After one solid month, the old lady finally broke
the silence and asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a

Record IV
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to
take a
peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.

Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"

Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself"

Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone
write a letter to himself?)

So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"

Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the
letter, how would I know??"

Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of
them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.

After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top: "Hey!
How come you are not coming down yet?"

The patient on top replied: "No. no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...How? I think I'm a chicken
since the day I was born..."

Doctor: "Wah! That's very serious. Why do you only come and seek
treatment now?"

Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs."

Record VII
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked
up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the
spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't
fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can
do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres
and fix it onto th is tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the
missing ones, easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why
are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

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