Monday Humour

ENGLISH AS SPOKEN BY A CHINESE HOTEL STAFF

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China.

In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way
it is spoken...... ......... ........

Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to
understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes... :

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest
and room-service today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?! Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan
sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, pl! ease... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin,
we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND :
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......and you do, don't you!

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IT'S THE 'WIFE' THING AGAIN

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have alittle beverage, good food and companionship.She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds.Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ....3. I take my wife everywhere,but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electrictoaster and electric bread maker.She said "There are too many gadgets, and no placeto sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife told me the car wasn't running wellbecause there was water in the carburetor.I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too latefor the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know herfirst name was 'Always'.12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault though.My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust!".

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CAKE OR BED

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have BC Hydro written on my forehead? I don't think so

"Fine", the the wife asks, "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so

"Fine", she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps", and again, he says," Does it look like I have Home Depot written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've enough of you. I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he gets a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How'd all these get fixed?"

She said, "Well when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo ... do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

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DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME.

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ECONOMICS EXPLAINED IN LAY-MAN TERMS

SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM : You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your bumiputra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull ! and mulitply your herd. The State takes 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and give them to your bumiputra neigbour. Your bumiputra neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow. - GOOD ONE

UMNOPUTRAISM : The State takes 30 per cent of your herd and parks them in Switzerland in the name of some UMNO official or close relatives, friends and sons-in-law.

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turnaround the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to Japan .

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.- hehehe

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull !

A FRENCH CORPORATION! : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn yo! u have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.

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With many Mainland Chinese emigrating to Singapore, this has given the Indians a culinary headache as the visitors have been complaining about the curry smell which they find intolerable. So here goes the song.