Monday Humour

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a

mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a

patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive

rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoors-man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

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FOR THE SENIORS :

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REPEATS." *********************** An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!) Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old." --------------------------------- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. --------------------------------- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ******************** When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ********* First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down. ```````````````` Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around K-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours." (ADORABLE) ********************* keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!" ***************************************** --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually ' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in the basket, you fool!’ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?