Monday Humour

THE SMILING JEW   
A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap / kippa, a prayer 
shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos. 
 
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. 
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, 
 
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”; 
 
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says 
' Thank You ' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear. 
 
This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. 
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." 
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except 
for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. 
 
Is he nuts? 
"Nope," replies the bartender. 
 
"He owns this place." 


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The Cardiologist and the Motorcycle Mechanic
 

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. 

I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in and, when I finished, it worked just like new. 

So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and, with a small grin, whispered to the mechanic ...

          "Try doing it with the engine running."

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Yes, its that time of the year where we need to inform our beloved government how much we earn so that they can continue to "invest" in useless military hardware, condos, corridors, children's education [but gave the impression it is from their own pocket] and what have you.

I submitted my Returns but they sent it back to me AGAIN because of my response to the question: "List all dependents"

I replied:

1.  6 million illegal immigrants

2.  1 million stupid politically crack-head ministers (assholes who have been here 54 years ago and not having the slightest idea of their "fellow" countrymen's culture... like giving “Ang Pows” in white envelopes)

3.  2 million unemployable leeches on Barisan & UMNO payroll

4.  2 ½ million criminals in almost over 50 prisons - half are Indonesians

5.  More than 300 stooges paid to sleep in our parliament.” 

Aiyah, apparently this was not an acceptable answer.  

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NO Speak English 

A Russian woman married a Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... 

(Please scroll down.) 

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 What were you thinking? 

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

Now get back to work ! 

I worry about you Sometimes!