Monday, March 19, 2012

Monday Humour

THE SMILING JEW   
A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap / kippa, a prayer 
shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos. 
 
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. 
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, 
 
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”; 
 
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says 
' Thank You ' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear. 
 
This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. 
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." 
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except 
for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. 
 
Is he nuts? 
"Nope," replies the bartender. 
 
"He owns this place." 
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NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' 
(The Daily Telegraph) 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. 
(The Manchester Evening News) 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. 
(The Guardian) 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. 
(The Times) 

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. 
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
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THE HUSBAND/WIFE RELATIONSHIP

Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!

Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:  
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free.
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"


Wife treats husband

A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?          
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?          
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim      
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday

Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.      
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!        
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..


 
 Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living
.

Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.    
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"    
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.        
His wife yelled:        
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"    
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!  
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......  
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....    
On Thursday his swelling became better    
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
Why women starts with W
You know why women starts with 'W'...      
because all questions start with "W".. !      
Who ?        
Why ?          
What ?        
When ?      
Which ?      
Whom ?      
Where ?      
&
Finally Wife..!!!

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