Monday, May 14, 2012

Monday Humour



There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he asked menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all! I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then, you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary 
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet

pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean

you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the 
  He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the 
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on 
the examination table and sniffed the duck from 
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad 
eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,

but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys 
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain  to thaw out  during a particularly icy winter. They planned  to stay at the same hotel where they spent their  honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
 Glasgow and flew to  Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.  

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:  

To: My Loving Wife 
Subject: I've Arrived 
Date: October 16, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send  emails to your loved ones. 

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 

P.S. Bloody hot down here!

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