Monday, July 16, 2012

Monday Humour


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and to relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present, the first little boy the teacher called on, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.  Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!'

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should  take one Dad. They're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money u
nder the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110."

 "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" 

A married couple walk past a gorilla enclosure, at the Zoo.
Says the woman: 'Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which
resemble men in their behaviour? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll
expose one of my breasts & see how excited it gets, just as men do.'

Mary then exposes one of her breasts and sure enough the gorilla gets
excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do. Men can't
control their animal instincts, just like gorillas can't.'

Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts & let's see what happens'.

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla. It gets very excited & is now
desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark: 'This is incredible!! Now, pull your skirt up, turn around and
expose your bum & let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla,
which by now, is extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs
the woman & starts ripping the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark, what do I do now? Help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache & you are not in the
mood... Let us see if Gorillas & Men are the same!!

A guy was eating in a gerai mamak. In an oversight, he swallows a coin and chokes. His wife tries hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin. Now the guy begins to show signs of choking - turning blue. The desperate wife starts screaming for help. A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquillity, without saying a word, he lowers the guy's pants, squeezes his testicles and pulls them down violently! Naturally, the guy with irresistible pain spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same astonishing ease & tranquility returns to his teh tarik without a word.

He was in batik long-sleeves, songkok, thick sunglasses, ring with big stone on his finger, Porsche Cayenne parked nearby.

Soon the wife calms down & approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her husband's life.

She asks: "Tuan, are you a doctor?"

"No, puan, I am from BN. We are trained to squeeze the balls of the public to make them cough up the last sen."


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After Mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talke up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door :

1.  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath.  He did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock, and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the 'Big T'.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say, "Eat me."


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story).

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an
arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British
scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

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