Monday, November 5, 2012

Monday Humour


Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." said Paddy.
"Are you sure?"

"I'm very sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Because he lives in a clock, you fool!



Spyed and groom

A wedding ended in disaster this summer when the groom was spotted having sex with a waitress at his own reception.

He was caught in the act by his new father-in-law, who immediately ordered guests to leave the no-longerhappy occasion in Feldkirch, Austria.

But the poor bride had to wait six months before she could divorce her philandering new husband in accordance with Austrian law.

ANDREW Kellet was branded Britain's Dumbest Criminal after posting 80 videos of himself on YouTube engaged in illegal activities.

Clips included one of him driving off from a petrol station without paying at 140mph - he helpfully filmed the car's speedometer - and another of him taking drugs.

In 2008 the Leeds magistrate dealing with his case said: "He handed us the evidence against him on a plate.

"If more criminals were as obliging, the city would be even safer."

Mask of sorrow

CLUELESS crooks Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller decided to do away with traditional disguises when they set out to raid an apartment in October 2009.

Instead they decided to mask their appearance by scribbling on their skin with a black marker pen.

But the pen ran out and they could only obscure part of their faces.

They were, of course, very easy to track down and were later charged with the burglary.

"The black faces gave them right away," said Iowa police chief Jeff Cayler.

"I have to assume the officers were kind of laughing at the time."

Heart at-tack

NIGEL Kirk forgot to obey the first rule of using a nail gun - remove all obstacles first.

In the middle of a tricky floorboarding job, the Staffordshire man slipped on a towel and fired a 5cm nail straight into his heart.

Astonishingly, he didn't realise what he'd done until he tried to take off his jumper but couldn't because the nail was pinning it to his chest.

One ambulance and a three-hour op later, medical staff revealed he'd missed an artery by millimetres.

Diamond breezer

IN 2008, hopeless romantic Lefkos Hajji decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him by hiding a £6,000 diamond ring in a helium balloon. No sooner had the Londoner got the florist to place the ring inside than a gust of wind blew the balloon away.

Hajji frantically chased the runaway sparkler in his car for two hours - but in vain.

The florist said: "I thought that he was taking a risk. I said, 'I hope you hold on to it'."
..I thee fed

HIDING an engagement ring in your future fiancee's food is not the best of ideas, as one poor Chinese chap found to his cost.

He secreted a £500 ring in a muffin - which his girlfriend promptly ate.

Doctors had to perform endoscopic surgery to remove the item.

The lovestruck fool admitted: "I'm not sure she will ever feel very comfortable wearing it."
My bet-ter half

IT'S generally advised that a person should not bet more than he can afford to lose - a rule Andrei Karpov, from Murmansk, Russia, ignored when he put up his wife Tatania as a stake in a card game.

Unfortunately he lost, and when his opponent Sergey Brodov later turned up to claim his winnings, Karpov's wife was so angry she divorced her husband.

In an ironic twist, she chose Brodov as her second husband. "I am very happy with him," she said. "Even if he did 'win' me in a poker game."
Cast iron excuse

A MAN of 29 pulled a gun on his mother when she refused to do his ironing for him.

Police were called to the house in Georgia, USA, after she managed to escape following six hours of imprisonment. Her son told police that he had done it because ironing was "woman's work".

Nine, nine, ninny

HUBERT Lee Credit needed medical attention after being beaten up last December - but instead of ringing for an ambulance he decided to steal one instead.

Florida police tracked it down using a GPS device in the vehicle, and arrested him.

Credit, 39, said: "I saw the ambulance, and I was going to drive myself to the hospital."

Hard times

A MAN was left with a permanent erection after having the words "Borow be salaamat" or "Good luck with your journeys" tattooed on his penis in Iran.

Doctors later advised: "Based on your unique case, we discourage penile tattooing."

Ps and queues

BRIAN Butler put civility ahead of criminality when he queued up to rob a petrol station in Sunderland.

He was captured on CCTV calmly waiting his turn behind customers waiting to pay for petrol.

His good manners didn't end there. When he reached the front of the queue he quietly handed the cashier a note saying he had "a Stanley knife and a hammer".

Unfortunately, while he had remembered to wear camouflage, he hadn't remembered to pick up his weapons. He was later identified from the station's security tapes and was jailed for six years.

Ire and ice

A MAN who tried to melt ice on his porch using a blow torch set fire to his apartment and the two above, causing £15,000 worth of damage.

Local fire chiefs in Massachusetts said his mistake had been to hook the blow torch up to a 20lb propane cylinder.

Twenty-five firemen were called in to tackle the inferno in December 2008.
[From Marion Appleby's book "MAN FALL"].

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