'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river''
And the congregation cried, 'Amen! '
'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river'
And the congregation cried, 'Amen!'
'And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river'
Again the congregation cried, 'Amen!'
The Preacher sat down.
The deacon then stood up & said: 'For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing:
'We shall drink from that River.'
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED 'HALLELUYAAAAAA'.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
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A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman).
The judge told him, 'In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'
The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'
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The Longest Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
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It's the World Cup season again
Dear Wife/Sweetheart/Girlfriend/Partner/Whomever it may concern -
1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. if you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games, I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor .... it won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of thing to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12 am and 6 am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win the next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can to me during half time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, O want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related to parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will there is a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this ... why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list."
12. And finally, please save your expression such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champion League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.
P/S By the way, if you get stuck on the road, call the Police or AA.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and
died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their
school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to
school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove
home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M..
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on
the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 PM .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through
without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and
immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking..
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
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