Monday Humour

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

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Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

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Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

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Suspicious Wife

Wife was sure that her husband was having Sex with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave old story.
Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching & went to bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

He came in silently, he wasted no time on words but quickly started having Sex. When he finished, Wife said, you didn't expect me in this bed, did you? & switched on the light .........
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No Madam, said the Watchman.

MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed!