Monday, March 5, 2012

Monday Humour

Management Course in 3 minutes ….
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing 
up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands 
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, 
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the 
$800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
 If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your 
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch 
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, 
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on 
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and 
the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, 
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 
They're packed with nutrients..'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
 strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."The boy said, "You know, Dad,
I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible 
that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)


"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Nursery Rhymes, as I remember them???

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.*
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two * *chunks of bread.*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.*
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!*
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.*
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.*
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.*
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.*

You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don't understand, it is because you are**
**Too young.*****


Sensitive Aussies

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback  mobile phone
tower:Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. 
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the 
tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and 
tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, 
I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was 
dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door,  I said to her, 
"You must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken..  I'm not a 
Then I said,
'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

No comments:

Post a Comment