Monday, March 12, 2012

Monday Humour

Ah Beng buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.  He drives the Car perfectly well during the day, but at night the Car just won’t move at all. He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks “ Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?”
Full of anger Ah Beng replies “Walau eh, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night...”


I don't know whether this guy is trying to be funny or merely stupid, but what if the fish had been a piranha?  Yiiikes!!!!!


A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.                                                                
The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,                                                        
Demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!                
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.                    
The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.                
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.                                                        
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"                                                              
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record...and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.                                    
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.                                                                    
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"          
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."                                            
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket                                                                    
You don't normally make?"                                                  
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."                                                              
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"                                  
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."                                            
"Aggressive and hostile?"                                                  
"Yes, Sir.”                                                                
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"                    
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”                        
~~~~ How! often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~      


The difference between CRAZY and STUPID
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic. 
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. 

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple wonder you   are destined to be a truck driver..."
Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this 
Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked 
 "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
Sign over a Gyneacologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.' 
************ ********* ***** 
In a Podiatrist's office: ' Time wounds all heels.'
************ ********* *****
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
************ ********* *****
On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.'
************ ********* *****
On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
************ ********* *****
On a Church's Bill board: '7 days without God makes one weak.'
************ ********* ****
At a Tyre Store 
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
************ ********* ************** ********* *****
In a Non-smoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
************ ********* *****
On a Maternity Room door: 'Push. Push. Push.'
************ ********* *****
At an Optometrist' s Office: 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place..'
************ ********* *****
On a Taxidermist' s window: 'We really know our stuff.'
************ ********* *****
On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
************ ********* *****
At a Car Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
************ ********* *****
Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
************ ********* *****
In a Vets waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
************ ********* *****
In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
************ ********* *****

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 'Drive carefully. We'll wait..'
************ ********* *****
And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
************ ********* *
Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

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