I was born on the prairies, where the wind blew free and there was nothing to break the light of the sun. I was born where there were no enclosures. [GERONIMO]
Thursday, April 5, 2012
What? Ballerinas wearing tutus is a No-No? Someone must be joking
Fearing a riotous backlash from Malaysia’s hyper-sensitive, albeit slightly blur, rakyat, the Malaysian Bureau of Riotous Eccentricities & Delusions (BORED) yesterday decided to ban tutus or any performances involving tutus anywhere in Malaysia.
Tutus, apparently, from now on, are deemed riotously indecent as it may cause a proclivity to immense sexual desires which in turn may result in an increase of illegal shagging, which, ultimately, will end in baby dumping, change of faith (especially among the Muslims) and an inexplicable — and highly undesirable — liking for Barry Manilow’s songs.
It remains hazy — as it always is in Malaysia around April every year — whether short skirts, tight hot pants, bikinis, swim suits, G-strings, kebaya Nyonya and tight kain batik as well as Aznil Nawawi are going to be deemed indecent anytime soon.
Speaking on the condition of absolute anonymity, a spokesperson for the Organisation of Malfunctioning Governmental Shit-Heads (OMGosh) — a new NGO established to defend riotous edicts by various governmental agencies — said yesterday that tutus are Christian Zionists’ propaganda tool which is insidiously aimed at the sub-conscious zone of every person, especially males of between 13 and 84 years of age. Tutus are thus malevolent agents of the Christian Jews who are hell bent on destroying the rakyat through sex, sex and sex.
Says the spokesperson (quoted verbatim):
“We iz very the worried at diz tootoo coz dey iz work below the otak and the rakyatz not realise wen dey see tootoo dey all become like zombie like dat, dey no realise dey being converted by diz jahat evil Kristian Zionis. We at OMGosh tink diz tootoo is same with der tattoo which last month dat Erika Badu wanted to use to brainwash the rakyats.”
OMGosh, according to the spokesperson, has a 42-minute video (in HD) to prove its allegation that the poor and very weak Malaysian rakyat are being cock-and-bull-washed by tutus. It is estimated that to date, 17,000 rakyat have been totally “turn-around upside down” by the tutus.
Meanwhile, another NGO, Centre for Complete Kookooness (COCK), today released the result of a recent survey involving about 300 males who watched the uncensored version of “Black Swan” in controlled environments, including their bedroom and toilets. The survey reveals a shocking five of them having a complete hard on during the full duration of the movie, even during the scene where Nina-the-ballerina-in-a-tutu was lying bleeding.
That proves that tutus are indecent, says the chairman of COCK.
The chairman further says that although he is definitely not racist or anti-Semitic, the fact that Natalie Portman, who plays the leading ballerina in that movie, is Jewish did not escape his attention. According to him:
“Dat ah, pruf ferder dat der tutu and der Juice are axiz of evil.”
As of the time of writing, it remains unclear — as is usual here — whether Datuk Nicol David will be allowed to play squash in Malaysia wearing a short skirt as she usually does in every other tournament around the globe. It also remains completely a mystery whether in the next SEA Games, Malaysian bodybuilders are going to have to perform in kain pelikat and oversized baju batik.
Meanwhile, in an unrelated, but most probably connected, news, the organisers of a public forum on “Christian Aqidah — are we threatened by Dong Zong?” today announce that they are seeking a clarification whether the tutu ban will affect Bishop Desmond Tutu’s visit to Malaysia next week. He is supposed to deliver a keynote address at the forum.