Monday, April 2, 2012

Monday Humour

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A young woman on a flight to Ireland asked the priest who sat in the seat 
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's 
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid 
they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through 
Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' 

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you 
have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which 
is, to date, unused.' 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The
Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
I'll marry them.


*A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him
out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to
testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer
tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask
him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.*

*The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies,*

*"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." *

*Don't you just love lawyers?*

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