Monday, July 22, 2013

Monday Humour

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 

'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'  
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law, " John replied,
While shaking his head sadly. "I have
A real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has
Problems with their mother-in-law. "
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in the city. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
To all Grandpas and Grandmas, make sure that you understand the question first....
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out
of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.

What Is Couple Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the
yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then
she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her
all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along
with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him
with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her
face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that
dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

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