Monday, August 5, 2013

Monday Humour


Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call.  

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 -yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she  was asked. 

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 

Connor began to cry. 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 -yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen  quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there  in the first place... smack his arse  again!"



I asked a Chinese girl if she would come out with me for a date and I asked her number so that I could call her.

She got all excited and said: "SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TONIGHT".

But then my friend told me what she really said was, "6 6 6 3 6 2 9."


This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale ... it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from thedark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one saidto the other.... Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it !!!!
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is
117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in
Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart. Ole says, and Lena did
you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska? "No", says Lena,
"how did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came
about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we
had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember", says Lena. Ole says, "Well you still have
page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."
Bill was the laziest SOB and he never did a lick of physical work in all
his life. One night he saw his wife carrying a heavy basket of laundry up
the basement stairs.

"Lynn", he shouted, "This has got to stop. For years you have been
carrying the clothing up the stairs in that big heavy basket. Enough!!
Today.not tomorrow, but today, you go in to town and get yourself a
smaller basket and make two trips."
Lady: Is this my train
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter ?

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.


Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master: Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer: I bet you, it won't.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It's addressed to Mumbai.


Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:
Married MEN Not Allowed.
We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy...


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