Monday, January 25, 2010

Monday Humour

A foreigner's view of Malaysian drivers and their driving habits [PART II] ... continue from last Monday.

What does the sign "Berhenti" mean?

A. This means "Stop", and is used to indicate a junction where there is a possibility that you may have to stop if you cannot fool the cars on the road that you are entering into thinking that you are not going to stop.

Q. What does this sign "Beri Laluan" mean?

A. This means "Give Way", and is used to indicate a junction where the cars on the road that you are entering will give way to you provided you avoid all eye contact with them and you can fool them into thinking that you have not seen them.

 What does the sign "DiLarang Masuk"mean?

A. This means "No Entry". However, when used on exit ramps in multi-story car parks, it has an alternative meaning which is : "Short cut to the next level up".

Q. What does the sign "Pandu Cermat" mean?

A. This means "Drive Smartly", and is placed along highways to remind drivers that they should never leave more than one car length between them and the car in front, irrespective of what speed they are driving. This is to ensure that other cars cannot cut in front of you and thus prevent you from achieving the primary objective of driving in Malaysia, and that is to arrive ahead of the car in front of you. If you cannot see the rear number plate of the car in front of you, then you are not driving close enough.
Q. What is the speed limit in Malaysia?

A. The concept of a speed limit is unknown in Malaysia.

. So what are the round signs on the highways with the numbers 60, 80 and 110?

A. This is the amount of the 'on-the-spot' fine (in ringgit, the local currency) that you have to pay to the police if you are stopped on that stretch of the highway. Note that for expatriates or locals driving Mercedes or BMWs, the on-the-spot fine is double the amount shown on the sign.
Q. Where do you pay the 'on-the-spot' fine?

A. As the name suggests, you pay it 'on-the-spot' to the policeman who has stopped you. You will be asked to place your driving licence on the policeman's notebook that he will had to you through the window of your car. You will note that there is a spot on the cover of the notebook. Neatly fold the amount of your fine into four, place the find on the spot, and then cover it with your driving licence so that it cannot be seen. Pass it carefully to the policeman. Then, with a David Copperfield movement of his hands, he will make your money disappear. It is not necessary to applaud.

Q. But isn't this a bribe?

A. Oh pleeeease, go and wash you mouth out. What do you want? A traffic ticket? Yes, you can request one of those instead, but it will cost you twice the price, forms to fill out, cheques to write envelopes to mail, and then three months later when you are advised that your fine was never received, more forms to fill out, a trip to the police station, a trip to the bank, a trip back to the police station, and may then you will wish you have paid 'on-the-spot'.

Q. But what if I haven't broken any road rules?

A. It is not common practice in Malaysia to stop motorists for breaking road rules (because nobody is really sure what they are). The most common reasons for being stopped are: a) the policeman is hungry and would like you to buy him lunch; (b) the policeman has run out of petrol and needs some money to get back to the station; (c) you look like a generous person who would like to make a donation to the police welfare fund; or (d) you are driving an expensive care which means you can afford to make a donation to the police welfare fund.

[Part III and final part ... continue next Monday]


How do these people survive?


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)


I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider',
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened..

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need
some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I
just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough...It must be even tougher if you're stupid !

No comments:

Post a Comment