Monday, April 18, 2011

Monday Humour

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford,

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity..

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,

"*My bike*."


Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport-size photograph of his son for college admission.
Accidentally, the photograph dropped down from his pocket.
He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor below the ends of a woman's skirt.
He asked her, "Can you lift your skirt? I wanna take photograph"....

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was suprised to see Ah Quah on the next bed to him in a worse condition.

Ah Quah explained what happened to him.
He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late & missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel nearby.
So he approached a nearby house & asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night.
The owner replied "I have 2 grown-up daughters. Sorry, you can't stay here."
Then he approached the next house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night.
The owner too replied "I have 3 grown-up daughters. Sorry u can't stay here."
So he went to the next house & asked "Do you have grown-up daughters?"
The owner asked "Why?" and Ah Quah replied, "I want to stay for a night."
THE REST IS HISTORY... boommmmm..!!!

The moral of t he story is :

It is not what the speaker meant but what the listener understood

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

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