Monday, October 24, 2011

Monday Humour


America lost Bob Hope and Johnny Cash in 2003, and then Steve Jobs in 2011. No wonder America is now in the state of an adverse economy - No jobs, No cash and No hope.




A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
Listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'*
*The wife said, 'I don't know,some woman wanting to know if the coast is


Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands
her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
So she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
And as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'*
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I called the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'


A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)









"My Rolex!"



The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”


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