Monday, November 21, 2011

Monday Humour - An email from the Queen. An important announcement regarding the USA.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and
therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in
the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be

A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you
can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of
proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New
Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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