Monday Humour

A PRACTICAL EXAMPLE OF HOW THE HUMAN MIND WORKS

In the picture below, we will analyze the perception by different group of people.

- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.

- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.

- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.

- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

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MY DOCTOR

Let me tell you about my doctor

He's very good!

If you tell him you want a second opinion

He'll go out and come in again

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He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years

Before he realised she was Chinese

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Another time, he gave a patient six months to live

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill

So, the doctor gave him another six months!

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While he was talking to me, he nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

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Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly told him, "Let's wait and see what develops."

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One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied, "When did what start?"

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I remember one time I told my doctor that I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice, "Don't answer it."

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My doctor sure has his share of nut cases

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these.

If they don't work, give me a ring."

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Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards

The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

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When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places

He told me to stop going to those places.

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You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment

Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

Here it is, the most expensive barn in the world

A "barn" that costs almost RM10m. I can now hear the folks of Kampong Buah Pala muttering under their breath comparing theirs and this one.

After Khir Toyo and his multi million ringgit bungalow, here comes Sharizat to join him

Ramping up their criticism of alleged mishandling of government funds in the public-funded National Feedlot Corporation (NFC), PKR said today that the money loaned to a sister company was used to purchase a RM9.8 million luxury condominium in Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur.

“After our previous exposes on the mishandling of public funds at NFC, owned by the family of a federal minister, PKR is coming forward today with concrete proof of another mishandling,” the opposition party’s secretary-general Saifuddin Nasution (left in photo) told a press conference at Parliament House today.

The money - which the opposition party claims is part of an RM81 million loan that NFC, a company owned and operated by the husband and children of a federal minister - granted to related company National Livestock and Meats Corporation (NLMC), was used to purchase a luxurious condominium unit.

PKR further alleged that this was accomplished through four payments via bank transfer by NFC from the Taman Tun Dr Ismail branch of a local bank to a well-known property developer on Dec 2, 2009, for the purchase of one unit of a luxury condominium.

The four payments totalling RM9.8 million are separated into four money transfers; RM699,870.00, RM694,150.00, RM4,199,220.00 and RM4,164,900.00, all on the same date.

“The payments to purchase the condominium were recorded as loans to NLMC from NFC. This is part of the RM81 million loaned by NFC to NLMC,” said the Machang MP.

Saifuddin argued that the purchase of the condominium by NFC for a related company owned by the family members of the minister was a clear and present sign of mishandling of public funds, deviating from the actual purpose of the public-funded firm’s business of rearing cattle.

In their statement, PKR said the prestigious One Menerong project, located in Bangsar, boasts luxurious residential units ranging from RM3 million to RM10 million per unit.

Cows sleep in the condo?

NLMC, which was contracted by NFC as its marketing development agent and granted the sizeable loan, is also owned and operated by the same federal minister’s husband and children.

“They are in the business of (marketing) cattle. Are the cows going to sleep in the condo?” asked Saifuddin, expressing his puzzlement.

The secretary-general posited that such questionable spending of funds appeared to be in conflict with Rembau MP Khairy Jamaluddin’s defence of NFC’s loans and discounts to related companies.

Khairy had argued that funds for NFC are strictly monitored by a technical committee and only approved out of the special account it is kept in for operational expenditures related to the feedlot project.

“When did the technical committee approve the funds? When was the meeting?” Saifuddin questioned.

The party’s strategy director Rafizi Ramli, who was also present, chimed in that the use of funds originating from public monies for such an unnecessary purchase was “tantamount to criminal breach of trust (CBT)”.

Rafizi said the information they gathered on the matter was air-tight and backed with inside knowledge.

He challenged related parties that would refute these claims to produce bank statements for NFC for the period and to sue him if they still want to refuted what he claimed as fact.

Saifuddin and Rafizi added that a report on the alleged mishandling of funds has been submitted to the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission.

[Source: Mkini]

Remember the moral behind the story of the ant and the grasshopper

Older Version

An ant worked hard in the sweltering heat all summer, building its nest and laying up supplies for the winter.

A grasshopper thought the ant was stupid not knowing how to enjoy life. It spent its days laughing, singing & dancing thoroughly enjoying the summer.

Came winter, the ant was warm, comfortable and had no shortage of food.

The grasshopper had no proper shelter, no stored food, and couldn't find anything to eat from the snow-covered ground. So it died and the story ended.
MORAL OF TH E STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

Modern Version

An ant worked hard in the sweltering heat all summer, building its nest and laying up supplies for the winter.

A grasshopper thought the ant was stupid not knowing how to enjoy life. It spent its days laughing, singing & dancing thoroughly enjoying the summer.
Came winter, the shivering grasshopper called a press conference and demanded to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while he was cold and starving.

TV1, TV2 & TV3 showed up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper alongside a video clip of the ant in his comfortable home with a table full of food.

The majority of the Malaysian Parliamentarians were stunned by the sharp contrast. How could this poor grasshopper be allowed to suffer?

Khairy staged a demonstration in front of the ant's nest.

Nazri went on a hunger strike along with other grasshoppers demanding that they be relocated to a warmer climate area during winter.

The Malaysian Government immediately passed a law forbidding all ants from working hard in the summer so as to bring about equality of poverty between ants and grasshoppers.

Hishammudin increased 'More Special Reservations' for grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & Government Services..

The ant was fined for failing to share 30% of his food with the grasshopper. The Prime Minister announced that this was part of the NEP. No ant should question it. (Don't forget, Tax Audits were introduced and targeted at certain individuals who were eventually penalised heavily for not contributing enough to the well-being of the grasshoppers).

Many years later...

Some ants migrated to other colonies and set up multi-billion dollar companies there.

Hundreds of grasshoppers still died of starvation despite the 'More Special Reservations'.

Losing significant number of hardworking ants and free-loading the grasshoppers, Malaysia remained a developing country, despite its abundant natural resources.
All because the remaining ANTS were still doing their work .............................

Latest findings showed that almost all the grasshoppers in the political arena and civil service were hoarding corrupt wealth which they refused to share with fellow grasshoppers. MORAL OF TH E STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2011.

I am posting this for you to read because I believe that you are an ant – not a grasshopper! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don't bother telling any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.

HK Comedian Ricky Hui dies at 65

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Hong Kong comedian Ricky Hui was found dead in his residence in Kowloon, Hong Kong, last night.

Ricky, who dies of a suspected heart attack at the age of 65, is the brother of Michael Hui, also a veteran comedian, and Sam Hui, a singer who is hailed as Hong Kong’s Gor San (The God of Songs).

Ricky’s body was found on his bed and he was believed to be dead for quite some time, reported Ming Pao. It was suspected to be a heart attack.

The multi-talented performer, who was seen playing supporting roles alongside his siblings in a string of comedy blockbusters back in the 1970s and 1980s, was said to be suffering from heart problem and had been on medication for years.

Still, his death may come as a shock to fans as he looked healthy in a recent picture posted on his newly opened Weibo account early this month.

Born in Guangzhou, China, in 1946, Ricky was most notable for his funny antics in a series of Hui brothers-produced comedies like The Contract, The Private Eyes and Games Gamblers Play.

On top of making people laugh with his screen performance, Ricky was also a musician, having released seven albums, penned the songs in Sam’s debut Cantonese album and participated in the production of the latter’s 1999 musicalMid Summer Night Madness.

He was originally slated to perform at Sam’s concert next April.

[Source: udn.com]

Here is a video showcasing the talents of the Hui brothers singing medleys from The Beatles and The Bee Gees. Ricky is the one in the centre.

Goodbyte Joe. Thanks for the memories

Joe Frazier, the former heavyweight champion who handed Muhammad Ali his first defeat yet had to live forever in his shadow, died Monday night after a brief final fight with liver cancer, reported The Associated Press.

Frazier was 67.

The family issued a release confirming the boxer's death.

Frazier, who took on Ali in three momentous fights in the 1970s – including the epic "Thrilla in Manilla" – had been under home hospice care after being diagnosed just weeks ago with the cancer that took his life, a family friend said. Until then, Frazier had been doing regular autograph appearances, including one in Las Vegas in September.

Smokin' Joe was a small yet ferocious fighter who smothered his opponents with punches, including a devastating left hook he used to end many of his fights early. It was the left hook that dropped Ali in the 15th round at Madison Square Garden in 1971 to seal a win in the so-called "Fight of the Century."

Though he beat Ali in that fight, Frazier lost the final two and for many years was bitter about the role Ali forced him to play as his foil.

Frazier was diagnosed last month with the disease, his personal and business manager said. Leslie Wolff, who has been Frazier's manager for seven years, said the boxer had been in out and out of the hospital since early October and receiving hospice treatment the last week.

Frazier was the first man to beat Ali, knocking him down and taking a decision in the so-called Fight of the Century in 1971. He would go on to lose two more fights to Ali, including the epic "Thrilla in Manila" bout.

Frazier was bitter for many years about the way Ali treated him then. More recently, he said he had forgiven Ali for repeatedly taunting him.

While the "Fight of the Century" is celebrated in boxing lore, Ali and Frazier put on an even better show in their third fight, held in a sweltering arena in Manila as part of Ali's world tour of fights in 1975. Nearly blinded by Ali's punches, Frazier still wanted to go out for the 15th round of the fight but was held back by trainer Eddie Futch in a bout Ali would later say was the closest thing to death he could imagine.

Frazier won the heavyweight title in 1970 by stopping Jimmy Ellis in the fifth round of their fight at Madison Square Garden. Frazier defended it successfully four times before George Foreman knocked him down six times in the first two rounds to take the title from him in 1973.

Frazier would never be heavyweight champion again.

The following is the fight between Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali on January 28 1974 at Madison Square Garden.

Monday Humour

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a

mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a

patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive

rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoors-man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

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FOR THE SENIORS :

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REPEATS." *********************** An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!) Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old." --------------------------------- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. --------------------------------- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ******************** When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ********* First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down. ```````````````` Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around K-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours." (ADORABLE) ********************* keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!" ***************************************** --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually ' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in the basket, you fool!’ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?