Monday Humour

DOUGLAS LIM - LIVE IN SYDNEY


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The first step to wisdom is silence, the second is listening.   Proverbs 1:5

       
An old priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue Supervisor and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Inland Revenue Supervisor and The Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.

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When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison? Wat are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?"

"Half a penis, just half a penis." replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. 

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved. 

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" 

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. 
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!" 

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!" 

Have we been have had?

As a resident staying in Cheras and using the Grand Saga toll, I believe something is not right when Najib said the toll fees would be halved i.e. you pay one toll, one way only.  


The halving of toll charges for Cheras-Kajang Highway comes with a hefty price tag - RM120.55 million in government compensation and a 15-year extension to the concession agreement.

This was revealed by Works Minister Shaziman Abu Mansor (above) in Parliament yesterday, in reply to a question by Serdang MP Teo Nie Ching.

The minister also said that concessionaire Grand Saga Sdn Bhd has agreed not to raise toll charges for another three years. Effectively, Grand Saga will be allowed to collect toll until 2045.

In addition to slashing the toll rate from RM3.80 to RM1.90, Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak had announced the abolition of toll collection at two booths along the highway on March 1, amidst much fanfare.
Longer toll payments 'not justified'

Met later, Teo said the extension of the concession agreement cannot be justified as Grand Saga has profited handsomely from toll collections since 1999.

She pointed out that, while the highway was constructed at a cost of RM282 million - and maintenance costs up until 2010 were RM147.31 million - it was a paltry sum compared to more than RM870 million made from toll collections and government compensation thus far.

"When Najib made the announcement on March 1, he was fooling the public. He did not mention about the new agreement," she said.

"We had to wait until Parliament convened before we could find out, and put the works minister on a spot.

"This is Najib's election play. He will throw a few bones without explaining what is really happening behind the scenes.

"All this is a result of a lopsided concession agreement. Our future generations will bear the brunt." 

Robin Gibbs dies

Robin Gibb, one of three brothers who made up the disco group the Bee Gees behind "Saturday Night Fever" and other hits from the 1970s, died on Sunday, according to a statement on his website.

He was 62.

Gibb "passed away today following his long battle with caner and intestinal surgery," said the statement, which was attributed to his family.

Diagnosed with colon and liver cancer, Gibbs had been in a coma as he battled pneumonia earlier this spring, representative Doug Wright said.

Doctors believe that Gibb had a secondary tumor.  Wright said April 14, confirming a news account in the UK newspaper, The Sun.  Gibb had emergency surgery in 2010 for a blocked bowel and then had more surgery for a twisted bowel, Wright confirmed.

The only surviving member of the three Bee Gees is brother Barry, 65.

And younger brother, Andy Gibb, died at age 30, from a heart infection.

The Brothers Gibb - calling themselves the Bee Gees - soared to renown after the 1977 film "Saturday Night Fever starring John Travolta was built around the group's falsetto voices and disco songs.

In the latter part of the 1970s, the British-born Bee Gees "dominated dance floors and airwaves.  With their matching white suits, soaring high harmonies and polished, radio-friendly records, they remain one of the essential touchstones to that ultra-commercial era," The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame says on its website.

"Saturday Night Fever" and the group's 1979 album "Spirits Having Flown" yielded six No: 1 hits, "making the Bee Gees the only group in pop history to write, produce and record that many consecutive chart-topping singles," according to the Hall of Fame.

While often more in the background, Robin Gibb was the lead singer on several of Bee Gees' top tunes including "I Started A Joke" and "I've Gotta Get A Message To You."  He also recorded several solo albums during his career.

Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1997, the Bee Gees sold more than 200 million albums, and their sountrack alum to "Saturday Night Fever" was the top-selling album until Michael Jackson's "Thriller" claimed that distinction in the 1980s.

Monday Humour

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 
neither of them wanted to concede their position. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."   
 
W O R D S 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"   
 
CREATION 
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be 
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!   
 
WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, 
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." 
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and 
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." 
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible 
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament 
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"   
 
The Silent Treatment 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each 
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, 
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. 
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and 
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up." 
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.   
  
     God may have created man before woman, 

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. 

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Canadian Speed Control! 
Speed control being used in Canada.
How's this for effective speed control? 

I don't know  about you, but this would certainly slow me down! People slow down and  actually try to "straddle" the hole. 

This is an  actual speed control device that is currently in use. It is MUCH  cheaper than speed cameras, radar guns, police officers,  etc.

Pretty clever  -- especially when they move them around every day.

Three Malaysian glass ceilings broken by Ambi

BERSIH 3.0 clearly demonstrates that Malaysians no longer fear the state. In that regard we are a quantum leap ahead of the Egyptians under Mubarak, the Iraqis under Saddam, or the Chinese under Mao (or even today). When citizens are no longer afraid of the state, many wonderful things would follow. BERSIH is also the first successful multiracial mass movement in Malaysia. In a nation obsessed with and where every facet is defined by race, that is an achievement worthy of note. Another significant milestone, again not widely acknowledged, is that the movement is led by a woman who is neither Malay nor a Muslim. Ambiga Sreenevasan broke not one but three Malaysian glass ceilings!


[M Bakri Musa]

Our Sunday Girl - JULIE

Whoa, whoa Julie,
If you love me truly,
Do you want me, Julie, to be, be your very own?

Julie, love me only,
Julie, don't be lonely,
'cause I want you only to be, to be my very own.

Ooh, Baby, don't leave me, honey, don't grieve me,
Julie, why leave me alone?
Stay with me, baby, lay with me maybe,
honey, don't leave me alone!

Julie, never leave me,
please, don't decieve me!
Julie, oh, believe me and be, be my very own.

[Interlude]

Whoa, whoa, Julie,
if you love me truly
Do you want me, Julie, to be, be your very own?

Ooh, Baby, don't leave me, honey, don't grieve me,
Julie, why leave me alone?
Stay with me, baby, lay with me maybe,
honey, don't leave me alone!

Julie, never leave me,
please, don't decieve me!
Julie, oh, believe me and be, be my very own.

Whoa, whoa, Julie,
if you love me truly
Do you want me, Julie, to be, be your very own?
To be, to be, to be, to be your very own.
To be, to be, to be, to be your very own.

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Deborah
Sandy
Mona Lisa
Tracy
Mary Anne
Michelle
Annie
Donna
Rebecca
Anna
Mandy
Judy
Cecilia
Marie
Susan

MY WAY - a dedication to Najib

First, it was "Tear Gas In Your Eyes" and now, we have another parody, this time about Najib and his recent London outing, to the tune of "My Way".  Both songs were sung and recorded by Chom Lee, a Bersih activist in Perth.