Monday Humour

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look
for him..

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
'The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started
dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today. '
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Lie Clock 

 A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.."

 

"Where's Julia Gillard's clock?" asked the man.

" Julia's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom . 
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you 
Mr. Englishman for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!" 
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian." 
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such 
a beautiful country here in England ." 
The person says, "I not English , I am Pakistani." 
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, 
shakes his hand, and says, 
"Thank you for wonderful country England !" 
That person puts up his hand and says, 
"I am from Afghanistan . 
I am not British." 
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 
"Are you an Englishwoman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ." 
Puzzled, he asks her, 
"Where are all the English?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, 
"Probably at work."